By Matt Eckert

Top 100 Reasons for Europeans to live in America

100. The necks aren't only red, they plump when you cook 'em.
99. The language loses syllables the farther South you move.
98. Mini Mall Mania!
97. Nine out of ten times you will find a woman that will believe your Cockney accent is Chic.
96. 200 years of losing our wars, and winning yours, now that's neighborly!
95. Ed Asner.
94. We've taken the European taste for cheese to a new goofy level.
93. Now we're Native American free!
92. We not only invented the TV, we can't get rid of it.
91. We stopped laughing at the rest of you after Vietnam.
90. We can legally kill people here.
89. Crime has been driven out into Mexico.
88. You got three choices in North America, now C'mon, stick with the winner.
87. Our new president is sex free.
86. Elections last a whole season.
85. TV is not only real; you may be the star.
84. You had your choices of English cuisine, German good intentions, and French hospitality; it's time to give up.
83. Three words: Civil War Memorabilia
82. Your founding father's were druids, ours were real Satan worshipers.
81. Our taxes make yours look Medieval.
80. We don't have a Bosnia.
79. We kicked Russia's ass without even lifting a rifle.
70. Our educashun sistem rools.
69. We still get a kick out of the number "69"
68. No more manners!
67. Margaret Thatcher free.
66. Canada is two steps away from communism.
65. Mexico is now one big fireworks stand.
64. We stole all the fun stuff from the other countries.
63. Drugs are kind of legal here.
62. Homeless people will do just about anything for a buck.
61. We gave you the Back Street Boys.
60. We apologized for the Back Street Boys
59. England never apologized for the Spice Girls.
58. Ten year olds have the know-how to operate firearms.
57. SIT COMs SIT COMs SIT COMs!
56. You can buy everything you'll ever need off the TV.
55. You don't have to work for money.
54. English is still our second language.
53. We've turned German Brautwurst into a plumpable hybrid of dead animal.
52. Baseball is cheaper than Valium.
51. If you're not playing a game boy, watching a movie, snorting coke, and eating a steak, you need to give us a try.
50. There are fifty states; that means fifty "crazy" governors.
49. You can throw your garbage in New York.
48. California has turned into one big amusement park called "HELLLAND"
47. Come see the people that own you.
46. Ignorance is bliss
45. The majority of your Russian relative live here now.
44. We celebrate the French everyday with out fries.
43. Our president is now an angry, churchy, idiot. So, I'd stay away from anywhere that the bomb is not coming from.
42. Italy and France suck, they just have better propaganda since the war.
41. Have your ass kicked by Clint Eastwood.
40. Hawaii and Alaska have finally been completed.
39. Point...Click...Cum.
38. There's still fear in our prostitution.
37. Our cows aren't mad, they're simply misunderstood.
36. We don't have any of that pansy, faggot English attitude.
35. Jocko Free
34. Alligator Guy free
33. We've been able to keep Paul Hogan on a leash in a cage.
32. You can paint with your fingers and it will still be hung up next to the DiVinci
31. Our Spanish could kick your Spanish's asses.
30. Beating up elderly people is still legal.
29. We ran the Italians out of Vegas.
28. Florida's new "We're too dumb to even notice your having fun at our expense" ad campaign is still running.
27. We're putting up our own "Mexico Wall." Come enjoy 50 years of dividing families.
26. We admit our beer tastes like shit.
25. You'll never be a "good ole boy"...just wanted to say that.
24. Disneyland is like being on acid, but with lines.
23. Our answer to seas: lakes aplenty!
22. Come watch the final tree fall.
21. Come join in the good natured Castro fun!
20. We don't accept the "Euro"
19. Baltics are still slang for genital lice.
18. BO free!
17. None of this pansy ass Monarchy shit.
16. We have our own IRA, it's called AA
15. Our Italians don't just cook, they kill.
14. 26% reduction in half assed yuppy riots and demonstrations.
13. You haven't lived until you've been car jacked by your own children.
12. We just realized Delaware is a state....that makes 51!
11. We still haven't broken the news to Puerto Rico
10. 1 billion Mexicans can't be wrong
9. We will pick fights with your country after you leave
8. We still believe in the term Death Squad
7. Our Nazis aren't as blatant
6. We finally realized Elvis is dead.
5. Our gays admit it
4. Canada is just another way of saying "I wish I were America"
3. They don't call us "Yankees" for nothing
2. Ed Asner...again
1. You're practically living here already.

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