By Matt Eckert

Uncle Abner's Corner

My Alcoholism is Getting in the Way of my Coke Habit

Just last night it happened again. I was at home, drinking what was left of a case of beer from the night before, and was about to go get a gram when I decided it was about time to open that bottle of Bushmills that's been sitting around the house for two days. Well, after drinking the Bushmills I was WAY to drunk to drive over to my drug dealer's house.

See, this is my point. How am I supposed to sustain the responsibilities involving my coke habit if I'm too drunk all the time.

Another problem is money. Well, I got bombed the other day and went to work. Well, the supervisor at Wendy's, where I work, wasn't having that and demoted me back to fry clerk. That means I make 2 dollars less. Now, that's 2 dollars that could have gone to an 8 ball.

Another problem is my mom. Yeah, I live with my mom, but, hey, how else am I supposed to afford a 55 dollar a day habit? Well, when she sees me all bombed she won't even let me leave the house, much less drive over to my drug dealer's.

And the drug dealer is even giving me shit. Just the other day I went over there and he told me that if I ever come over that drunk again he's not going to sell me anything. See, he doesn't want me getting pulled over with his shit.

So, I guess I'm gonna have to give one or the other up. It just really sucks when drinking ruins the things you love like this.

Oh well, I'm gonna go down to the Market and get a sixer, wanna come?

OP/ED: Four Beers Just Doesn't Do it for me Anymore

Hey, folks, it's me again, 'lil Abner.

I've woken up to a massive hangover and it all comes down to a simple fact that I'm gonna have to learn to live with - 4 beers just doesn't do it for me anymore.

It came to me last night while I was watching Nick at Night and pounding the fourth St. Pauly's Girl. It seemed that the fourth beer wasn't cutting it.

I mean, I'm the type of guy who enjoys drinking just enough to have to stumble to get to the bed - not fall, just stumble. But, the fourth beer this time had me walking like one of those ROTC guys - perfect formation. I mean I didn't even bang a hip on the counter when I did the obvious Abner move and went to the fridge for the fifth.

But, alas, there was no fifth. I was in big trouble. Broke as usual, I had no means to buy a fifth and I was still un-drunk! I mean, can you imagine a Monday night where you aren't buzzing with the supreme feeling only beer can give?

Well, it was onto plan B, fellow drinkers. I was going to have to go for the cooking Sherry. That was it. I mean it's not like a guy like me keeps wine around and the last time I drank the "Hard A" I ended up ordering Girls Gone Wild with money I didn't even possess.

So, to the closet I went for the cooking Sherry.

Now, cooking Sherry on it's own tastes like dog-hole, so I needed a mixer. So, I checked out the fridge and luckily I had some Kool-Aid. So, to mixing I went for a bang-up cocktail - Abner style.

But, alas, it just wasn't the same, I couldn't enjoy one line of Sanford and Son that night, the feeling just wasn't there, until I remembered the Red Dog Tall Boy I had in the Abner - Mobile.

What Luck!

So, after I finished the rest of the Sherry I went out to the car for the tall boy. Needless to say, I pounded it in a couple gulps - as my buddy Queif would say: Naturally. Well, what I woke up to this morning sobers me to the fact that I definitely have a drinking problem.

And that problem is that I need to keep the fridge better stocked to fill my new more-than-four craving.

So, let this be a lesson to the rest of you; your tolerance may go up at some point, so it is of the utmost importance to keep a well stocked fridge because one day you may go for the sherry and wake up like I feel right now and I'll tell you, no one wants that.

-A

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