By Matt Eckert

Space Pirates

That's when I thought to myself "these chopped nuts are hearty." It was about eight and I had been eating some salad dish put together by whatever sick vegetarian that ran the place. My water was gone, my food wouldn't be arriving for another six hours and I was left with this salad and it's chopped nuts. Oh, and the date.

This date had been going from bad to worse since I picked her up from her trailer. Yes, this is not a joke, a trailer. There is nothing wrong with living in a trailer except...no, everything is wrong with living in a trailer. C'mon, you have a choice, a trailer must be more expensive than an apartment. Who opts for the trailer? Anyway, with that in mind, the date began on a sour note.

Oh, did I mention her child would be coming along. At this point in time I realized that you should never, under any circumstances, go out with a woman until you have at least two years of getting to know you time. Yes, I made a horrible, horrible slip and told her that if she couldn't find a babysitter she could bring the kid. My thinking was that she wouldn't take me up on the offer. Little did I know, God hated me.

So, there I was with a date that kept talking about beating her cat and a kid in the back drooling all over my car. I'm not a demon, I have some nice and even kind intentions, but I don't work well with children. I have no idea what to do with something that doesn't even know what it wants and when it does you have serious problems. I don't like loud noises, crying or embarrassing excretions. I could go my whole life without changing a diaper and I'd be fine.

I let it go at that point and just waited out the inevitable. The movie came first. At this point in time I was so out of it I walked into the theater with a lit cigarette. Normally, I wouldn't smoke in front of a child, but when the mother lights up a PallMall and begins the chain of a pack, I had no choice.

She, I swear on my life, picked out the movie. There were plenty of Disney flicks I would have sat through just to keep the kid from crying. She picks LA Confidential. Because of certain nervous twitches after the incident, I will not be going into the macabre horror that followed this part of the story.

Dinner. After seeing the trailer I knew this woman would have been fine with Jack in the Box, but I decided I wouldn't be that mean. I really wish I would have been that mean. If you ever sit through a woman trying to get a waiter to:
A. Make stew.
B. Watch the child.
C. Don't be stingy with the Vodka.
You would swear you wouldn't set foot in a restaurant with more than half a star.

So an hour of her telling me about why her ex caught a loophole and is getting out the next week the only thought in my mind was how I would have loved to be a chopped nut rather than on a date.

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