By Matt Eckert

Third Grader Caught with Leaflets of Mass Disruption

Virginia - Third grader Bobby Walden told reporters today "I will go along with all requests by Mr. Thomas and Ms. Fitch to declare all leaflets, paper, and spit balls of mass disruption in accordance with the mandate set by Principal McKinney."

This comes on the heels of the Soos Creek elementary security staff requesting a detailed list of all personal property belonging to Bobby Walden that would fall into category C of Westminster School District's list of unacceptable classroom paraphernalia. This list includes: crudely drawn pictures of school staff engaging in acts of absurdity, crudely drawn pictures of classmates kissing in a tree and/or treehouse, "do you like me" notes, spitballs, comic books, Garbage Pail Kid trading cards, sports trading cards, origami, origami made into a crude truth/fortune mechanism, stickers not accompanied with an assignment with a grade of "B" or better, or any object that the supervising teacher finds disruptive.

Mr. Walden has been known to use leaflets of mass disruption throughout his education at Soos Creek. In second grade, Mr. Walden was presumed to have created a leaflet program that included first graders Kim Hallen, Joseph Bradely, and Danny "pigeon face" Simons. The leaflets entitled "Ms. Crabtree smells like poo" were circulated through eight separate classrooms creating what one teacher's assistant called a "disruption of mass scale."

Although, leaflet inspectors have been doing routine assessments of the contents of Mr. Walden's desk, they left the desk alone since second grade when it became clear that Mr. Walden was hiding the insulting paraphernalia in Joey Farmer's desk. When Mr. Farmer's desk was then inspected it became clear that the leaflets, origami, spitballs, so forth were moved back to Mr. Walden's desk during lunch.

Security guard Paul Hogan explained "You know, how can we do our job if Bobby is continuing to elude, confuse, and misrepresent. Look, we have a job to do, if Bobby is not interested in clearly defining the contents of his desk, then we have no choice but to take the desk apart piece by piece." In September, Bobby's desk was gutted by the security team in an effort to find any hidden stashes or "cubbies" that Mr. Walden might be using to hide paraphernalia.

"So far, the signs are not encouraging. I have no faith in Mr. Walden's word or his credibility." Said Principal McKinney. "A complete desk and locker search may be required, by all means necessary. We must be vigilant."

Archives

Send this article to a friend!

Discuss this on the Levi Larrington message board.

All rights not expressly granted to others are reserved to Monkey Spit. This product is made by hand. As such, certain irregularities may occur. These irregularities do not in any way diminish the product, and are in fact desirable as evidence of the handmade nature of the product. This product is meant for educational purposes only. No other warranty expressed or implied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Not valid in Minnesota, Vermont, Louisiana or Delaware. Some assembly required. Use only as directed. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. One size fits all. Colors may, in time, fade. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Warranty void if serviced by non-authorized personnel. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. We are also not responsible for the current political situation, daytime television talk shows, the heartbreak of psoriasis or that Urkel kid. As a matter of fact, we are not responsible for much; we¹re pretty irresponsible any way you look at it...but we¹re cheerful, so people put up with us. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles, but an incredible simulation. Don¹t try this at home; these are trained professionals. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Falling rock. Kilroy was here. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Out to lunch. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. May be hazardous to health if consumed in excessive quantities. Not responsible for typographical errors. No returns unless defective. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Some equipment shown is optional. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by consumer. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No dogs or actors allowed. First pull up, then pull down. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous and subsequent notices unless indicated otherwise. All rights reserved.