By Matt Eckert

Top 9 1/2 Worst Dress Code Policy Changes

9 1/2. The managerial staff has the authority to strip you down and parade you through the building if you even attempt to wear a t-shirt to work.

9. At any time in the future we reserve the right to change the dress code without notice and will send you home to change as many times as we feel fit.

8. Bow Ties? Mandatory.

7. On Thursdays if your name begins with a K you will be forced to dress as the opposite gender.

6. Casual Fridays are still in effect, allowing for the mandatory tuxedo over whatever you wore in.

5. If your salary does not allow for a full Kenneth Cole ensemble, you may wear the appropriate collared, dress slacks ensemble by the Gap. Just be advised that we will treat you accordingly.

4. We appreciate your non-conformity, most of your peers are not unemployed, so we'll see your individuality out on the bread line where it belongs. So, let's keep those nose rings out of our halls.

3. Tuesdays are mandatory Velcro day. If your entire outfit cannot be taken off with a single swipe, you will be asked to leave the office and will get stern looks from security as you go.

2. Hair is to be worn at home, not in the office. Please make sure you don't bring it in with you.

1. I've run out of material for this one. There really isn't anything funny I can say here and most of the latter weren't too funny to begin with.

Umm, yeah, well, happy Wednesday.

Things I Have Learned in the Past Year

When calling in sick you must a) actually call, b) not show up drunk the next day, c) don't answer your manager's queries with riddles.

When stealing bacon from a grocery store, don't stop to cook it in the deli section.

Masturbating with sandpaper is not a thrill sport.

Donald Rumsfeldt can only be pushed so far.

Make sure no one is looking when you drop your balls in your boss' tea cup for a joke. And don't keep stirring once you get caught.

Never ask for "full service" at a nudie bar.

Never tell a Scot that you really admire how their country has given your grandpa liver cancer.

It only smells if you smell it.

When a cop issues you a ticket wait till he drives off before you wipe your ass with it.

Never shout "Hold ME!" during a company meeting.

My boss' sense of humor ends with the words "elderly gang-bang."

Eating pizza with your hands is OK, eating it with someone else's is wrong.

If you arm yourself on Valentine's day, you probably had it coming.

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