By Matt Eckert

Free Speech

Freedom of speech is best expressed as the ability to say whatever, to whoever, wherever. This does not occur in America or any other country. Where it does occur is in the mind of every human being the globe around. Furthermore, it is the disguise of the first amendment to portray itself as a guarantee of personal freedom in the area of spoken, written, painted or what-have-you work.

My story is one of bitter non conformity and begins on a local TV station set in the Washington area. I was only nine then, but the pain still burns in my heart as I recount that day in my mind. And in my mind it will stay, along with all the things I wish I could go right out and say.

Benny the Dinosaur program was a childhood favorite and the day I was asked to audition I was overjoyed. Benny was a fictional dinosaur who brought happiness to many Seattle area youth. My favorite time of day was four in the afternoon when I could turn Benny on and watch as he sung "Happiness is Just a Benny Song Away" or "Did Someone Mention FUN?"

Yes, Benny was an enlightened purveyor of youthful soul and he was also the bastard who completely fucked up my outlook on the world.

Like I said, I was nine and had the mouth of a fucking sailor. I cursed all the fucking time. When Mom would come home and I'd find that there was no Lunchables in her groceries I would tell her to "go fucking back to the store and get my fucking Lunchable, you slut!" Even with teachers I'd curse till it hurt. Like, Mrs. Raingrove, who I told to "go fuck yourself" one crisp autumn day only to find myself in detention for nine hours.

But, that was school, and freedom of speech does not exist in state run facilities. Everyone knows that you can't say fuck where you also have to repeat a salute to God and Country. That's where Benny comes in. I figured, this was a forum to let myself go, to say fuck with the artistry that only a nine-year-old possesses. There IS an art to swearing, and with the right nurturing it can become a career as in the case of Richard Pryor or the Pope.

Yes, an art that I was fully enamored with and had learned from such events as "Dad Comes Home Drunk" or "Mom Caught Dad With the Babysitter." So, after making the audition on the Benny show and finding myself on TV for real, I decided I would put my whole dirty, illiterate fuckery to the test. I figured, this is what God gave me, along with legs and arms, he gave me the ability to take forbidden barks and turn them into the poetry that is the essence of the Fuck.

Morning came early the day I was due to be included in the sing-a-long portion of the Benny show. I was to scat in the portion of the show that Benny was to rap about "Staying off Drugs is Cool, and I'm No Fool." You can have no idea what this moment meant to me. Like, when you first see your mother's warm eyes on you after winning a T-ball game or how it felt to pick your first flower and stumble over upon yourself laughing while your mother looked on. Or, more importantly to this story, when you first learned the word "Shit" and proceeded to run up and down the hallway of your house reciting it like a mantra.

And in the bright fluorescents of the Benny the Dinosaur show, I knew I had found the light; the way. Benny began the song as the lights twinkled off my star struck eyes:

Hey kids, it's time for a little rapping with the Dino-Buddies. I'll start it off, and our Dino-Buddy will end with a super cool scatting. For those that don't know, scatting is what rappers and jazz people do to make a song cooler. You know, cool.

And with that Benny began.

Hey, I know its cool and really def
To hang out with your Dino-Buddies like Matt and Jeff
But, if you want to prove that you're no fool,
Then I'll tell you
You have to keep it
Cool.
Saying no to drugs for one
And saying yes to fun!
And all the def boys and girls know that drugs are a dead end
And that Benny will always be their friend,
Right, Dino-Buddy Matt,
Now, why don't you SCAT?

And with that I broke into the most glorious scat every created by human vocal chords:

A fuck a shit a piss and a blow Benny is a fucking hoe fuck piss shit shit fuck piss and a fuck and a piss-

The producer, Benny, and three stage hands ran at the stage as the other Dino Buddies sat agape wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I spent a good deal of time at home after that LIVE broadcast, as no one would let their child play with me after that.

So, what did I learn at the young age? I learned that every time I heard ANYTHING about the first amendment, it was a good clue that THEY are lying to you. You cannot say what you like, you can not paint what you want, and you sure as shit cannot scat the f-word on children's TV.

Thank you,
Matt Eckert

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