By Matt Eckert

Bush Adds Frito Lay's Pretzel Division and Others to Expanded List of Terrorists

By Matt Eckert, Associated Press Writer

Monday morning's press conference came abrupt end as President Bush uttered the words "Mother Fuckers" after releasing an updated list of enemies in his latest Terror Campaign. In response to the overwhelming applause received by Bush after naming North Korea, Iran, and Iraq as an "Axis of Evil," the president has revamped his list to include Frito Lay's Pretzel Division, Democrats, welfare recipients, and assorted "dirty bastards."

"Wherever there is a company that sells embarrassment in the form of a pretzel, wherever there is a democratic party of naysayers, wherever there are homeless people sucking off America's proverbial teat, and wherever there is a Joe Robinson who stole my markers in fourth grade English, there is terror."

When asked about the unknown Robinson Bush retorted "You know who he is goddamnit, I'm A.C.!"

When asked what A.C. referred to Bush paused and said "uh...isn't that just a figure of speech?"

Ari Fliescher responded that it was a colloquial term with an OJ advent. "To Frito Lay, which processes pretzels with the edibility of a rubix cube, I say this: America will not stand for your tyranny of delicious snack-type food items. Nor will it stand for a democratic system that keeps tabs on megalomaniacs, nor will it stand for poor people being clothed and fed, and it will not stand for punk children that play me like a bitch!"

"The president demands sassifaction!" Mr. Fliescher quipped.

The Frito Lay company has responding to Bush in this open letter printed in today's Washington Times:

These accusations are absurd. We are the leading manufacturer of snack items for these United States and to put us in a category with Iran and Joe Robinson is to rob us of our right to make such beloved items as Fritos and Toasty Cheese Cakes and Whacker Crackers. We will admit that in the past we have supported Iran, even sent them large packages of Wonder Crunch, but we have never supported terrorism.

Democratic Majority Leady Tom Daschl responded "He's right, uh duh, yeah, Republicans are our overlords...uh, sure boss, all in bipartisanship will we now dissolve our party and pay homage to our new warlords....I mean leaders.....Sieg Heil!" When asked to comment on the shots at welfare Cary Gunther, a New York welfare recipient had this to say "Well, I don't know, I've always supported the Bush administration's stance on abortion, so I have, like, 20 kids and it's gonna be real tough to feed them now. Boy, this guy's like trying to follow the bible; the second you follow one ideology the next comes and bites you in the ass. God bless him." Joe Robinson was later found out to be...

...YOU GUESSED IT, TV's ED ASNER!

Archives

Send this article to a friend!

Discuss this on the Levi Larrington message board.

All rights not expressly granted to others are reserved to Monkey Spit. This product is made by hand. As such, certain irregularities may occur. These irregularities do not in any way diminish the product, and are in fact desirable as evidence of the handmade nature of the product. This product is meant for educational purposes only. No other warranty expressed or implied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Not valid in Minnesota, Vermont, Louisiana or Delaware. Some assembly required. Use only as directed. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. One size fits all. Colors may, in time, fade. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Warranty void if serviced by non-authorized personnel. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. We are also not responsible for the current political situation, daytime television talk shows, the heartbreak of psoriasis or that Urkel kid. As a matter of fact, we are not responsible for much; we¹re pretty irresponsible any way you look at it...but we¹re cheerful, so people put up with us. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles, but an incredible simulation. Don¹t try this at home; these are trained professionals. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Falling rock. Kilroy was here. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Out to lunch. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. May be hazardous to health if consumed in excessive quantities. Not responsible for typographical errors. No returns unless defective. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Some equipment shown is optional. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by consumer. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No dogs or actors allowed. First pull up, then pull down. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous and subsequent notices unless indicated otherwise. All rights reserved.