By Matt Eckert

Lists to Bring to Your Local Grocer

Top ten halloween costumes

10. Smear feces on yourself and go as your own dirty mind. "So a nun, a priest, and Jennifer Flowers walk into a bar...."

9. Light yourself on fire and go as a Buddhist monk. "Just like the Rage Against the Machine cover! Ouch!"

8. Eat as much feces as you can until you're completely full and go as Osama Bin Laden. "I'm what happens when a rich spoiled brat goes way over the line."

7. Repeat number 8, but add a Rangers hat and go as George W. "Fork over the candy or I'll bomb your house."

6. Drive up onto people's porches to retrieve the candy and go as a car. "Beep, beep, I'm a car... sorry about the bushes."

5. Sneak underneath the doorway and go as the porch "Knock, knock, hello, I'm the porch, give me all your candy products."

4. Sneak in through the window and take the candy bowl when they're not looking and go as a burglar. "Suckers!"

3. Try to give them the candy out of your sack, but accidentally fall into their candy bowl spilling candy everywhere and go as your own misconstrued good intentions. "Ahhhhh, nooo, I'm so sorry, I was just trying to help."

2. Quit your job and go as an unemployed person. "I could really use the candy."

1. Smack the person in the face as hard as you can and wait until they start a fight and go as the War on Terrorism. "Ha, you didn't save face!"

Top ten Halloween Treats

10. Soap slivers. "Here ya go, stay clean."

9. Pocket change "Eight, nine, ten, that makes a dime."

8. Wisdom "You should really be yourself."

7. Condoms "I know how you kids are these days."

6. Ammo "I know how you kids are these days."

5. Jello Shots "This is to counteract the sugar high."

4. Anthrax "Now you can make sure you get Ciprol."

3. Junk Mail "You can now get DSL for 19.95."

2. Pictures of the old lady naked "You can trade them."

1. Your children. "Here's a friend, complete with costume."

Top Ten Mall Scares for Halloween

10. The Easter Bunny will be at Southcenter.......... OUT OF SEASON!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, the humanity!

9. The Bon will be having a half off sale on all........ TOMMY HILFIGER DRESS SLACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not the Hilfiger!

8. Children will be selling......... GIRLSCOUT COOKIES!!!!!!!!!! They won't go away!

7. Traces of........ BABY FECAL MATTER will be found in the........ WOMEN"S RESTROOM!!!!!!!!!!!! That's not candy!

6. A man at the perfume counter will mistake you for........ ANOTHER MAN WHO WORKS AT THE PERFUME COUNTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're looking fab-u-lous today!

5. The parking lot will be.......... FULL!!!!!!!!!!!! Christ, there's nowhere to park in this shopping mall place of business.

4. While at the food court you will order a Big Mac and get....... A MCDLT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn, these have been off the menu since '85.

3. While with your girlfriend you'll have an........ AWKWARD MOMENT IN VICTORIA SECRET WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR EYES CAN"T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE A PERVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can we leave, I thought I'd like it here, but I just feel dirty.

2. A twelve year old will...... PICK A FIGHT WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not claiming anything, I'm just getting a Slushie.

1. A whitish powder will be found on your table next to the...... SUGAR SHAKER!!!!!!!!!!! We better get some Ciprol.

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