By Matt Eckert

Hitler Interview

Hello, tonight on Geraldo Live I will be interviewing the menace....the abomination...the abberation....Hitler.

Since working with Fox I have learned that Bill O'Reilly from the Factor has been summoning Hitler on a daily basis using a OUIJA board and a copy of "Mein Kampf." O'Reilly admits that Hitler isn't what he used to be, but still is a great source of inspiration for the Factor's clear ignorance of what evil really is and how it has manifested itself in Bush's Whitehouse.

What we uncovered in this information may shock you, may horrify you; I suggest you get the kids to bed early as we interview...................................................................................................................................................................................(3 minute pause as Geraldo stares dramatically into the camera)...........................................................................Hitler.

G: Good evening, I'm coming to you from the confines of Bill O'Reilly's shed in Western Alabama. Bill is performing a séance that will enchant Hitler to rise and manifest himself in the form of a Pez dispenser that Bill has whittled into the likeness of Hitler. Hello, Bill.

B: Tonight on the Factor I will be talking to Jesse Helms as we probe whether or not you have a penis, Geraldo. Worst mistake in the world...hiring you, you pinko commie.

G: Good to see you, Bill. That's right, folks, Bill is a sworn enemy of mine and is helping me after losing a bet which I made with him about whether a homeless person would steal a flaming dollar bill that Bill dropped.

B: He was thinking about it.

G: Sure he was. Now, what are you doing Bill?

B: I'm reciting lines of "Mein Kampf" and moving the OUIJA board to spell out talk show. Can you pass me the Wild Turkey?

G: Sure thing. Now, the chairs are in place for what I can only describe as my Hispanic-Jewish rage that will be coming out in a full onslaught of righteous hatred after being persecuted by this....man, hobgoblin......beast.

B: Here he comes.

Hitler Pez Dispenser: Freust du dich auf wärmeres Wetter und Sonnenschein oder bist du traurig, dass es nun keinen Schnee mehr geben wird?......Hello, Geraldo, hello, Bill.

G: Hitler! At long last! (Heaves a chair over his head and smacks the Pez dispenser.)

Hitler Pez Dispenser: Ha! You can't hit a Pez dispenser with a chair - chair too big. (tumbling over bottles of Wild Turkey into Bill's collection of "Ebony Ass" magazine.) Geraldo, calm down, let a little love into your HEART....

G: Love?

Hitler Pez Dispenser: Oh my baby, my darling....

B: See, he's all about love songs and loving and inspirational posters and such...I don't know what went wrong....

Hitler Pez Dispenser: Hang in there - and it's got a kitten holding onto a branch....I love that one! We all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine. Come on everyone, Put a little love in your heart.....

B: Christ, wait until he gets into the Peter Centera love ballads.

G: I don't get it, what happened to the despot dictator the hater of human life, the waster of human flesh?

B: He's gone a bit Anne Murray since they had their way with him in hell....it's....just....so......awful.

G: Who am I going to hit with these chairs?

B: It's just a shame really, first Clinton and now this.

G: Has he got any Pez in there?

B: No.

G: Hitler, do you have any Pez?

Hitler Pez Dispenser: I do if you can give me four reasons a tree is beautiful.

G: This is Geraldo Rivera signing off. As you can see Hitler is a lovable Pez dispenser, O'Reilly enjoys "Ebony Ass" and Wild Turkey, and I'm out another job.

Hey, O'Reilly is there a vault or anything I can break into around here?

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