By Matt Eckert

Interview

"Uh, systems analyst."

"And what do you hope to achieve while working with our company?"

"Well, I'd really be interested in achieving the....I mean, I'd really like to you know...kinda-it would be nice to do really good for you."

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, I'm just really nervous."

"Is that my problem?"

"Ummm....no, I'm very sorry."

"Shut up! K, now, I see you went to Washington State Univeristy."

"Uh, yes."

"Are you drunk right now?"

"Excuse me?"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION, ALKY!"

"No, no sir."

"K. Now, what ethnicity are you?"

"Ummm....white sir."

"Oh...yes, yes you are. K, let's just mark Native American to be on the safe side. And, what did you eat for breakfast this morning?"

"What?"

"Breakfast, son, what did you eat for breakfast?"

"I didn't...I mean...nothing..why, sir?"

"You do know that you are required to eat three meals a day, don't you, you drunk bastard?"

"What?"

"What? Don't you listen whitey-white-white-white from WSU, who doesn't eat breakfast and smells like fish."

"I smell? Wait, is this part of the interview?"

"Shut up! Next question. Do you find me attractive?"

"What?"

"Say it. Say it again. Please say 'what' again. I really need to hear you say 'what' again."

"What? I mean no- wait, no, I don't find you attractive sir, I'm heterosexual."

"That has nothing to do with it."

"Well, I would think it would....is this a joke?"

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"Wha-I don't, wait..."

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

"TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!"

"THAT was a joke."

"Christ."

"Are you religious?"

"Excuse me?"

"Ah, you threw me off with the excuse me...religion! Atheist, Agnostic, Buddhist, Hindi, Muslim, Quaker????"

"Christian! I'm a Christian?"

"How's that going?"

"Uh, fine, I guess."

"K, are you married?"

"No."

"Divorced?"

"No."

"Have you ever participated in a gang bang?"

"I don't see how that has anything to do with an-"

"DON'T SKIRT THE ISSUE!"

"NO!"

"Oh, not so good with the ladies, huh?"

"What? No, I'm just not into that sort of thing."

"Queer?"

"NO, for Christ's sake!"

"Have you or any of your family ever owned deer?"

"What?"

"K, here's my 'what' meter. Once it gets to this level, you're out on your ass. Now, answer the question."

"NO!"

"If you owned a deer, what would you name it?"

"Sammy."

"Really, I like that, you'll get good marks for that."

"Thanks."

"K, well, that should sum it up. Do you have any questions for me?"

"Well...I would just like to say that I'm very excited about working for Macrosoft, and I believe I can be a very-"

"NEXT!"

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