By Matt Eckert

News from the Sleepy Community of Issaquah, WA

Red Robin: DUI Maker
Known for great food and spirits, Red Robin has long served the lunch and happy hour of our local businesses, but not for long. Our newly elected Mayor McCheese has passed a bill that will be closing the doors of Red Robin for good.

For two years now, Red Robin has been a dispatch for crazed drunken drivers. "The number of DUIs has risen in the past two years to ten a day. We blame the Electric Iced Teas." Said McCheese.

Killer Koalas!
Last Sunday Issaquah came under God's wrath. Was it because we sold our town to big money? Did we worship false idols? Is it because of our low SAT scores and lack of literacy?

It's anyone's guess, but the Sabbath last was greeted by an attack by numerous 300 pound Koalas.

"They were mean, I tells ya!" Says Bill Chilis.

"They tore my restaurant to shreds and snubbed my special 'Chili's Sauce.'"

Three were killed in the attack.

Gilman Village Cedes from Union
In a historical move, antiquated shopping area, Gilman Village has left our great Union.

Our union of states, (under one god), has seen civil unrest, civil war and even civil disobedience, but it's never seen a small shopping district cede from its empire.

Yes, believe it or not; Gilman Village is now its own country. Sandra Jessler will accept the nomination of Prime Minister.

Angry Farmer Guy
While driving down Issaquah/Hobart road you see a lot of things: daffodils, trees, hitchhikers, drug deals, rhubarb, etc... What you don't expect to see is Angry Farmer Guy or Gus Grissom, as he calls himself. For five years Issaquah's growing corporate centers have plagued our town with traffic, city slickers, and excessive cash, and the people here have noticed.

Among those people is Angry Farmer Guy, or Gus Grissom, as he calls himself. He began his campaign two weeks ago and is still going strong. "I plan to flick off every car I see passing my farm. Sure 'nuff." Well said, Gus.

Mayor McCheese responded later by having Gus's farm burned down by the Hamburglar.

Wanted: Small Piece for this Section
We at the Issaquah Dispatch cannot come up with any stories for this particular section. We would like to ask you, the reading public, to send a story or piece for this section. "I just can't think of anything newsworthy right this minute!" Says reporter Tom Collins.

Send all pertinent pieces to the Issaquah Dispatch: 543 Yessler NE Suite 45 Seattle, WA 98115

Target Gets New Cash Register!
Five years in the making, 500 brand new dollars and Issaquah is seeing green! Yes, last Tuesday Issaquah received its fortieth cash register at our beautiful Target retail store. "I just can't believe it!" Boasts John Richards, the town drunk.

Help Prevent Gangrene
Please join us in the annual "Let's Clean Ourselves" parade on Sunday, December 22nd at the Issaquah Civic Center. Gangrene is an icky, icky disease, but can be prevented.

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