By Matt Eckert

SUBWAY'S JARED GETS CAUGHT IN BEAR TRAP; EATS OWN FOOT OFF, CONTINUES ON RAMPAGE OF HUNGER

Matt Eckert Times-Chronicle

Tuesday 4.03- Yesterday, in an Alabama mountain resort, Jared Fogle of Subway fame was vacationing with his family when he wondered into a bear trap.

Residents of the resort claim that trappers are known to leave traps behind during illegal gaming in the forests of Whechester, Alabama. Jared, alone and afraid, began devouring his leg within hours of being caught in the trap.

"We went looking for Jared at around 5, four hours after he disappeared and found his severed foot laying in the trap. Most of it was gone, barring two toes, it was horrible."

This, according to girlfriend Tammie McVey. Several of Jared's family members began scouring local fast food restaurants and wholesale food stores in search of Mr. Fogle.

"Jared suffers from an affliction of appetite, we know his digs; Burger King, McDonalds, Costco, Sam's, local hen and poultry farms, beef conventions....you get the idea."

His mother explained, wiping tears from her eyes. "My baby needs help, and he's out there all alone with the likes of Colonel Sanders or, worse, that bastard Ronald."

Authorities have been brought in to help the search efforts in an attempt to provide safety to the many residents of Whechester who are considered "potential food targets" now that Jared has a taste for human flesh.

One man who witnessed Jared limping around a local Taco Bell described him as "confused, angry and yelling 'fuck veggies, I needs flesh aaarrggghhhhh!'" Authorities continued the search last night and into today. Residents are advised to eat healthy, because the health risks are now immediate.

Gates to Testify in Court: Using Al Pacino as Legal Aide

In a shocking move Bill Gates yesterday entered Federal Court with famed actor Al Pacino. "Al is going to be my new legal aide, I've enjoyed his work in such films as "the Godfather" and "the Godfather Part Two", but it was "And Justice for All" that clinched the decision." Gates responded to questions concerning his courtroom companion.

Looking to fend off steep sanctions imposed by nine states Gates has been leery about just who could help him in this ongoing battle. Rumors of Johnny Cochran and others have been surfacing all week. But, it wasn't until yesterday that Gates came out with what can only be described as an impressing legal aide. "He came to me yesterday! Ask to have a meeting with me! I responded in kind. AND HERE I AM!" Pacino exclaimed to Washington reporters. Gates warned U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly the nine states' demands threatened Windows existence and that if they didn't "back off" he would "take a flame thrower" to the court room.

Gates began the session by exclaiming in his tinny, soft voice to Kotelly "You're out of order, I'm out of order, this whole courtroom is out of order!" To which Pacino put a hand on his brow and began shaking his head. Sources close to the defense table explained that he was whispering "not yet, you fool."

Amid an array of shouting and "Hoo Wah"'s Gates had no case. Eventually Kottely remarked that Gates came off like Jerry Lewis playing Scarface. "Fuck you, man!" Gates responded to which Kottely found him in contempt and sent to a holding cell. As Gates left the courtroom he was heard to be screaming in his falsetto voice "Attica, Attica!"

When asked why Pacino took the position in the first place he exclaimed "Every time I try to get out, he keeps pulling me back in!" Pacino later apologized for the comment that had no contextual validity whatsoever. Gates will be held for one week and Pacino has apologized for the incident and the role he played in "Author! Author!"

INS Officials Barred from Entering the US

INS officials are being turned away at the border due to renewed enforcement of an old immigration law in light of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

The Immigration and Naturalization Service concedes that everyone they work with is a complete liability to the United States.

But the INS is now tightening security after a recent policy re-evaluation after the attacks, in which it is believed that the INS kept up it's policy of hassling law abiding immigrants and visitors and letting in terrorists and drug dealers.

"It was not strongly enforced before," said Seattle INS spokesman Garrison Courtney. "You see, the law states that anyone with an IQ of under 100 cannot work with the INS, well, our test scores prove that no one in our agency can match even 90. Hell, sometimes I can't even understand the words that I'm saying. Like right now."

Many Americans may be puzzled at how the INS can enforce border patrol laws and at the same time never enter the United States. But, according to a new Gallop Poll, 97% of Americans consider INS officers to be more awful than the Nazi era SS. Another study showed that most Americans wouldn't mind seeing every INS officer drawn and quartered.

This new law could also bring the American average IQ up by 9 points. "In a nutshell, I don't like it," said INS employee Gerald Pumphrey from the small station in Bellingham, Washington that he now must live in. INS spokesman Garrison Courtney put it like this "Ya see, we're...not too bright, and we understand that we are a liability on America. Hell, just the other day I turned away this nice girl from Ottawa and let in this Libyan guy who said that his truck was filled with corn, only the truck smelled like napalm. Yeah, I was in Nam, I remember the smell, I once dropped a shit load of it on my own men after reading Catch 22." President Bush has responded by stating "I understand this paradox, hell, I shouldn't be allowed in this country and I'm the president."

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