By Matt Eckert

Jordan Sues Himself, Claims Extortion

Wed Nov 27, 2002 7:39 AM ET
CHICAGO (AP) - Michael Jordan filed a lawsuit Wednesday claiming he was trying to extort $5 million from himself to keep quiet about schizophrenia problems he had more than 10 years ago.

The basketball star acknowledged in the lawsuit that he had had schizophrenia problems earlier in his career switching from "Retired Mike" to "Active Mike."

But Jordan, who plays for the Washington Wizards (news) but spent most of his career with the Chicago Bulls (news), said he is now "Active Mike." Jordan's attorney, Frederick Sperling, refused to say whether the athlete took the allegations to the police. He also refused to answer any questions about the nature of the schizophrenia.

"The complaint says everything Michael has to say," Sperling said. Jordan spent most of yesterday's press conference assuring Wizard fans that he was still "Active Mike" and wouldn't succumb to the pizza eating, beer swilling "Retired Mike" again.

J.Lo and Ben Affleck Become Feral; Eat Each Other

At a star studded gala event yesterday in Rome, J. Lo and Ben Affleck simultaneously became wolf-like, and began devouring one another, in what Justin Timberlake could only describe as "awesome!"

Who or what brought this on is still a mystery. Some relate it to drugs, others to a choice position of moon and sun, and still others feel that it was just one of those funny "God things."

Both celebrities' agents were on hand to explain the event as a most trying moment in the two's careers.

"We're not saying they will no longer wed, we are not saying that they will no longer appear in hit movies everlasting, we're just saying that they are now a large ball of chum, still pulsating and living off of each other's bodies." Said Alan Fitzberger, Affleck's agent.

When asked to comment, the pulsating J.Lo-Affleck could only blubber an excruciating, twisted mewling noise that sent this reporter to the bathroom with a case of the vomits.

President Bush was on hand later today to recall this tragedy in American history. "My fellow Americans, whether you enjoyed the R&B stylings of J.Lo, or you preferred the cynical portrayal of comic face men like Ben Affleck, I'm sure we can all agree that something was lost yesterday. America must stand vigilant in the face of...what the hell happened? Of feral double cannibalism the likes of which this president hasn't seen since Bob Haldeman turned on Nixon in '75."

Although, it is not clear whether we should be mourning the two actors or celebrating their new blob-like manifestation, I'm sure we all can agree that jimmy crack corn and I don't care.

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