By Matt Eckert

Letter to the President

By: Arnold Plebus

Dearest, Honorable, Dude,

Hello, My name is Arnold Plebus of 16th Avenue Hillcrest Dr., Foundland, Newfoundland, NA, PA, CN.

Yes, I would like to ask a couple of requests, you flapjack bastard.

Dearest Bush, can I have the right to cap any motherfuckers that look like Saddam or could be some of his stand-ins? See, there's this guy at the Best Foods who wouldn't take my check and I think it's because he thinks I may decide to inspect his nuclear arsenal, as I told him I would if he wouldn't cash my check.

Also, I have this idea about landmines - I like them. Is there any way I can plant some land mines in my front yard? I figure it this way: no Americans are ever wasted by these things, just refugees and such. So, I'd be getting rid of the people you have been offing as well, all in the comforts of my front yard.

Liver Sausage. I would like to make this a holiday.

Is there anyway we can get that Anthrax thing going again? I've run through my excuses for being late to work from Diphtheria to Hodgkin's and I'm back to the A's now.

Is there anyway I could borrow your time machine technology to go back in time to the time where I didn't know what Britney Spears was fucking every week?

Dude, the pretzel thing, c'mon, you gotta let me know what happened there, it's been eating me alive! I've got 100 bucks on Cheney bitch slapping you. Can we find a way to replace the word hotdog with Cheney? I think it would sound really cool to ask for a Cheney with cheese and sauerkraut.

Man, you have any idea what's growing on my ass? I enclosed a picture. I think it might be linked to Al Quaida.

Can we name the next attack on whatever country Operation Bitchslap? Can you imagine Dan Rather updating the people of these great United States with "And new developments in Operation Bitchslap."

Dude, the aliens: what the fuck? Can you just tell me whether you got some locked up in Area 21 or whatever? I'd like to meet a couple as I already know of five that owe me money.

I believe everyone should get a coupon for Best Foods products every time they vote.

Dude, can you like shoot down the moon, it's fucking annoying sometimes.

Um, yeah, are you going to nuke Iraq or what? I'm tired of hearing these pansy ass threats. I say you send them all enough peanut butter to live forever and they'll be happy - trust me on this one.

Is it true that Ronald Reagan only remembers Contra Scandal events now?

Finally, I would like you autograph my 1990 Texas Rangers mini batter's cap, which I have also enclosed.

Anyway, Fight the Power, dude,

A.P.

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