By Matt Eckert

I Express my Love Thusly

Hey, my name is Pat. Pleased to meet you. You know, I've seen you around the office and I just have to tell you, I think I'm in love with you. Wait, don't say anything; let me explain to you how I express my love. Then, my darling, you can go ahead and make your opinion on me and whether you would like to spend the rest of your life with me.

I express my love thusly:

First, I will ask you to come have coffee with me, this is the first stage. This is where I compliment you and tell you how beautiful you look in your dress and/or jacket. I will touch your hand as soon as it rests on the table, just to show you my interest. And, to conclude, I will ask if I can email you sometime.

Phase two, I will email you as soon as I get back to my desk. I will thank you for having coffee with me, and compliment you on how nice you are.

Then, later in the emailing, I will expose you to my true sense of self. Yes, all my troubles and tribulations will be unmasked before you just to show you I'm honest. Like that one time I had sex with a Cabbage Patch Kid, or how I've been arrested multiple times for stalking my ex who doesn't care for me anymore. Yes, now I will have you in my grasp. The sheer awe inspiring display of the Pat unmasked.

Next phase: the invite to love. This is where I will email you towards the end of the day and thank you for listening to me and how I deeply care about your opinion. At this point you will ask me whether or not I should seek outside treatment, and I will say no. Then you will tell me that you can't email anymore because your boss is watching you. This is when I will propose the date. You will tell me that you have a boyfriend and/or serious disease that prevents you from going out with me, but maybe some other time. I will then tell you that I love you and that I have never met anyone like you and that I must have you. Then you will say that I'm starting to scare you and then I will ask you again to have dinner with me to talk this over.

Then I will turn my computer off so that you cannot respond.

The final phase: I will show up to the restaurant that I agreed upon and wait for three hours for you to arrive. I will then look you up in the phone book, call your friend or find your number somehow and then I will call you. I will be crying as I ask you why you stood me up, and I will ask how you could have stood me up when I'm in such a vulnerable point in my life. This is when you will threaten to hang up and I will then threaten to kill myself. You will then talk me out of it and I will thank you and say that I have bought you a gift and I must bring it to you now. You will say you have to go and that we can talk about this tomorrow. I will then come to your house anyway and knock till you answer. You will tell me that the cops are on their way. I will run down the street to my car and pull away, out of your life forever.

If this is not the love you need, let me know.

Oh, I see, well how about just grabbing a cup of coffee?

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