By Matt Eckert

Our plants: our enemies

The Juniper bush is among the most vicious of the plant community, devouring its prey in such a ferocious way that passing humans vomit at the sight of a mutilated bird, skunk, or honeybee.

Juniper bushes pass most of the day in local watering holes where they drink themselves into a frenzied state of photosynthesis and begin turning darker and darker green until they just have to have a taste of flesh.

In 2001 alone, nine children were brutally killed by Juniper bushes. Not only that, the Juniper bush is the leader in plant-related rapes in nine states including California.

Law enforcement agencies around North America continue to struggle to find a safe, effective way to keep the species thriving and, at the same time, keep Americans and Canadians safe from this scourge.

Many states have enacted an Electronic Fence Policy. The Electronic Fence Policy or EFP has been adopted in two provinces and nine states and has been a tremendous success.

"Back in 93 we had at least nine cattle deaths a year, 3 human maulings, and ninety eight drunk and disorderly arrests all attributed to the Juniper bush. Today those figures are gone. We had nine rapes, all amongst themselves and not one drunk and disorderly. Texas is safe." This according to Texas sheriff Bob Thornton.

But is it safe?

Last year alone, King County in Washington state reported eleven rapes, nine maulings, and two murder-suicides and this was all in EFP safe zones. How are the plants escaping the fence? We cornered a Juniper bush just outside Seattle to ask it.

ME: Sir, can you explain to us how Juniper bushes have been escaping the EFP units and continuing to disrupt, disarm, and disgust the surrounding neighborhoods?

JB: Is my anonymity gonna be protected?

ME: Yes, sir.

JB: Well, it's like this. People enjoy Juniper bushes, right?

ME: Yes.

JB: And some people enjoy them in their yard, no matter what the consequence.

ME: Correct.

JB: Well, we got these people that come to us and say they want us to hang out in their yard, protect their shit and all. So, we have em' bribe the guy who runs the fence and shit, and they get to come in and take us home. Thing is, they don't realize that we're not about protected no bitch ass human-folk, we just want to get faded and get our stamen on, ya get me?

ME: Yes.

There you have, clear testimony from an actual Juniper Bush expressing the degree of corruption that surrounds the EFP units of our great states and provinces.

So, in conclusion, what is safe? EFP units? Warehousing Juniper bushes into the system? Regicide? I don't know. But, I do know this: Lionel Ritchie holds the secret formula for Crystal Pepsi.

Matt Eckert

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