By Matt Eckert

THE ADVENTURES OF ARNOLD PLEBUS

PART ONE
The jury filed in to find the defendant seated and eating a large Mars bar. "Mars" he said as the last one sat and looked at the defendant in ghastly horror.

The defendant was 27 years of age, covered in grime and wearing overalls and large coke-bottle spectacles. His name was Arnold and he had a penchant for petty theft and making himself vomit. Arnold's lawyer approached the bench and whispered to the judge "he's....a.....pleading insanity."

"What? He's on trial for shoplifting!" The judge yelled. "MARS!" Arnold yelled back.

"Yes, I realize this and I advised him to plead guilty, but, he's insistent."

"Mr. Pledus, will you approach the bench?" The judge asked from his ever growing red face.

"Sir, I'm currently incapacitated with the chewy flavor of my Mars brand flavor bar. Is there anyway the bench could somehow approach me?"

"Mr. Pledus, you are out of order! Bailiff, please escort the defendant to the bench!"

"Please don't hurt me, I'm fragile." The bailiffs grabbed each arm of Arnold and brought him to the bench. The judge looked at Arnold and grimaced.

"Mr. Plebus, what are you thinking?"

"Well, at present I'm thinking about a gnome in a red dress dancing around you....and frustrating you. Yes, that is what...no; wait; now I'm thinking about Ed Asner. Yes, Ed -"

"Are you insane!" The judge yelled.

"Yes, that is why I want all charges dropped so I can go about my merry way, never to shoplift tomorrow or today-"

"Enough! What did he shoplift?"

"Uh, a bottle of Champagne, a nudie magazine, and a Mars bar."

The judge sighed. "Why did you shoplift these items, Mr. Plebus?"

"I shoplifted them to get back at my dad for raping a raccoon in front of me when I was nine. It was awful."

"Did you say a raccoon?" The judge looked perplexed.

"Yes, his name was Timmy and he had spots and udders and a bell around his neck."

"That's a cow, Mr. Plebus."

"Yes, a cow. I'm hungry again, would you have any Champagne or Mars bars or-"

"Mr. Plebus! Get out of my courtroom! Bailiffs, please come and shackle this blubbering idiot."

"Oh, no, please don't sic the Bailiffs on me, please!" And with that Mr. Plebus sat another two days in a holding cell.

"What are you in for?" Arnold asked the man in the bunk next to him.

"Grand Theft Auto, you?"

"Molestation of an elephant." The man turned over and went back to bed, leaving Arnold to his thoughts. Arnold began to think of all the merry times he went on vacation with his family, once to the Grand Canyon, and once to Hawaii. They were all there; Jan, Marsha, Ma, Pa, and wolf boy. He missed wolf boy the most.

"Plebus, you made bail."

"Oh, glory, I made bail! Did I use clay or macramé?"

"Get out!" The bailiffs again lifted Mr. Plebus and escorted him to the waiting arms of his mother.

"Hello, mother, did you miss me?"

"No. Get in the car." The ride home was filled with the usual grim silence known only to poor Arnold.

"But, mother, it wasn't my fault. I was simple walking through the store when my animal magnetism simply attracted the champagne, Mars bar, and this month's edition of Bosnian Boobs."

"Cut the shit, and march up to your room. Your father has unplugged your television and hid it. You'll find your pet squirrel is no longer with us because it drowned in your bathtub when you were doing god-knows-what."

"OH NO! He was scuba diving. I told him I would only be a minute....his scuba gear didn't work?"

"You mean the straw attached to his back?"

"That's a SCUBA tank, mom."

"You're an idiot."

Later in the evening the family sat down for dinner. Mother Plebus and Father Plebus had pot roast; while Arnold had mashed potatoes with a light peanut sauce he made earlier using vanilla ice cream and brandy. "Son, it's time we let you go on your own."

"DAD!"

"Son, it's for the best, you're getting on in your years and I believe we must let you sink or swim."

"But, Dad!"

"Son, listen to your father, he knows what's best. We can't keep bailing you out."

"Yes, you can. You're stinking rich, you fuck!"

"Son, don't talk to your mother that way!"

"Why, you told her the other night that she was not only a fuck, but a great one."

"SON!"

"Fuck you, I'm leaving, and I'm taking the silverware with me!" And with that Arnold grabbed all the silverware off the table and stole his parents' Lexus, never to return.

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