By Matt Eckert

Arnold Plebus 3.5: Spelling Doom, Lifting Lids, Telling Lies

If there was another creature on Earth besides Arnold that knew about peace, that creature would be shot and killed by Arnold.

Arnold was on a fixed game of international peace when we last met him in an unpublished story deemed "noxious" by the editors of this website.

I can only say that the heart of the matter dealt with two opposing factions in the Middle East and that they are currently at war.

The war? Oh, but I can't say...

"Anin has the best hips!" Arnold blurted as Anin walked by wearing the skimpiest of jockey shorts.

"No, Anin has NO HIPS! Ibrahim has the best hips of the Tigris!" Ibrahim shouted back over the crowd of Syrian onlookers at the start of the 2002 Syrian Best Hips Extravaganza.

"You are both wrong, I have the best hips." It was a lone voice that hushed the crowd, and as they fell back into two neatly shaped rows none other than Ed Asner took the stage. "Now, let's get this party started."

Needless to say, Anin won the contest and Arnold was left to make peace in another venue. What venue you may ask?

(Editors note: the story is really falling down the tubes at this point. We need to keep this page running for another two weeks in order to fulfill Mr. Eckert's contract, therefore, please accept this apology as we run a short piece submitted by a Chris Wiseberg of Washington Park, Delaware under the same title.)

Farts are funny. I like farts and they make people laugh. That's why I make the jokes about the farts. I also like to make jokes about

(Editors note: Again, our apologies, as we have just received a new piece from Mr. Eckert to replace the piece above and the original replacement piece.)

Arnold began his day lifting the lids off garbage cans in a vain attempt to find peace in the Middle East.

"No peace here. Let's keep looking Anin." Arnold said to his new found friend Anin al-Sayeb.

"Yes, peace is a tricky thing and it takes the world to create it. That is why we are looking in garbage cans as we cannot think of another place that symbolizes the present world more accurately or sets up the segue of this story."

"That is correct, Onan."

"Anin."

"Anin, we must go to the scholars, the priests, the clerics - there we will find peace."

"Yes. Are you done using me for a segue for the current story."

"Yes, Onan."

"Anin."

So, Arnold was off to meet with the cleric-scholar Casey Kasem.

Lebanon is a beautiful country, as Casey Kasem is a beautiful man. Finding

(Editors note: Alright, at this point we're just not going to run any articles under the Eckert nomenclature. What we will do is give you....uh, hmmm. K, got it.)

Dear Mr. Eckert,

On further study of your previous work and the aforementioned articles sent in today, we regret to inform you of your termination from the Monkey Spit team. This comes as a disappointment to myself and the other members of the team. Again, articles that constantly use the word Mother Fucker in the same sentence as Billy Graham and Mother Theresa have no place in this magazine. Furthermore, we at Monkey Spit do not look kindly upon advertising our site on and setting up links from sites such as Babes in Brothels and Naked Bird Watching. After repeated attempts to dissuade you from visiting our homes in the middle of the night, we finally agreed that this was too much to put up with and after the arraignment we decided to drop you.

We wish you the best in all that you do and hope your prison stay is one of self reflection.

Regards,

Monkey Spit

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