By Matt Eckert

Why Don't We Make Afghanistan a State?

Why don't we just go ahead and make Afghanistan a state? Think about it, if Afghanistan was a state we could do whatever we wanted with it. We could search out Al Quaida, make them part of the richest and laxest penal system and they'd give up.

Also, by making Afghanistan a state we would ensure that no new terror actions occur in the Continental United States. Why would Al Quetta bother flying all the way to the Continental United States to blow up buildings and such when they can just do it in their own back yard. That's right, because the United States would include their own home country. It's just that easy.

Also, if we have anymore problems with other suspect countries in that region, we'll have no trouble invading them with a home base right in the middle of the turmoil.

Also, we could passionately put an end to the India/Pakistan nuke threat by telling them that if they attack one another, the fallout would definitely reach the United States, namely Afghanistan. Therefore, their nuclear threat would be a threat to us, and we could take just action to any nuclear conflict.

The benefits are just enormous.

In addition, we could make Afghanistan one large penal colony and send all our mass murderers there to test their luck with BIG TIME mass murders. Hell, we could also send the Olson Twins, Huey Lewis, and Carrot Top.

Man, sometimes I just wonder what is wrong with our leaders....

4 US Soldiers Die in Accident; Are Now Deemed Terrorists

Yesterday four United States soldiers were killed in an accident involving peppermint Schnapps, an F-4 Phantom II, and three young Afghani women. Although, full disclosure of the details have not yet been made, the U.S. government has branded the once US soldiers "terrorists."

"Yes, all four men were fooling around when the accident occurred and put a bit of a smudge on the U.S. military, but, that has nothing to do with our labeling them terrorists. Look at First Sergeant Leonard Cooper - we found a copy of Ice-T's album Cop Killer in his mess locker. And, take for instance Lance Corporal Scott McCarron, who is known to have made unflattering impressions of our commander-in-chief Bush taking a dump. C'mon, if these guys aren't terrorists, then the whole Democratic party, Tony Blair, and Vladimir Putin aren't aliens trying to take over the United States...I mean, C'mon? Am I right?" Said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

The soldiers weren't available for comment as they were escorted to Camp X-Ray.

One senior White House official remarked that "It is our policy to not look like a military of Hee-Haw jackasses. The French may think we're all about drinking cheap beer, eating fast food, and living in trailer parks, but, goddamnit, most of us own homes now that don't include wheels. So, what do the French have on us? Wine? We have wine - 2.99$ a six pack, so there!" Allegations that the U.S. military is not "up to snuff" have been leaking all over the Western World since Colonel Klink caught Hogan assembling a bong in Hogan's Heroes.

Tension Mounties

What if the Chinese attacked Canada? This question has been asked by every thinking-person in the world at some time or another and I will dare to answer it today.

The devious Chinese, with their penchant for seal buggery and yarning are a threat to us all. Every Canadian I have ever met goes white at the chance mention of the yellow menace. Why must we fear these people so?

Well, it is public knowledge that for years now the Chinese have been hatching a plan to take over Canada and it's only a question of when. But, what would happen in this disastrous event? Would the US aid our ham-eating, single-word-questioning friends? Would the British? The Samoas? Would Canadia even stand a chance?

Well, my good Can-Am friends, my answer is no, Canadia will be completely obliterated and pot shops would become bread lines. I have come to this theory because of three main points which follow.

1. The Canadian missile system. This missile system is the most corrupt part of Canadia's defense. The so-called "Mounties" are a terrible excuse for combat. This system consists of a V2 missile equipped with a seat, belt and steering wheel. Thousand of Canadian Mounted Police have lost their lives for the sake of a sack.

2. The Candadian diet consists of ham, cheese and Kokanee. Imagine a group of soldiers in the same shape as Matt Eckert, feebly falling over ramparts as coronaries hit them.

3. Language barrier. No Englishman or American alive can keep up with the ever twisting Canadiananna speak. With more "Aye's" than a stutterer pronouncing "alphabet" no one could give them the ample help they will need.

So, in summation, Canadia will soon become the Western haven of Communism everywhere. We must begin the plans to build the Canadian wall and keep our freedom intact.

Thank You,
Slappy B. McGee

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