By Matt Eckert

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

My name is Ricky Hardin. I live at 1345 Evergreen Terrace. I am writing to notify you that I have been ever so good. I work at the Kentucky Fried Chicken where I have accrued three Employee of the Month awards. I also say my prayers and go to church. I am writing you a wish list this year in the hopes that you will take the time to look at your list and see that I am a good boy.

What do I want this year? Most of my wants are not tangible items, no Santa, they are hopes for a better life.

1. I would like you to make Johnny Fedora, the fry cook, actually take me up on that beer after work. He keeps telling me maybe next week, but next week never comes. I wait and wait and muster the courage to ask him again and I get the same reply. I don't see why he can't just have one beer with me and maybe play a pull tab or two. I'm a cool guy, I'm no Johnny Fedora, but I definitely can strut my stuff to even the lowest tempo Bryan Adams song.

2. You know last week when I went to the DMV to get my new tabs and I put 65 cents in the candy machine and the Twix bar got hung up on the spring thing? Well, I would like my Twix bar. That was bought, especially, with the change portion of my last check. I had budgeted to get that Twix bar only to have it hung up on the springs. I was good and got my tabs on time, and budgeted my money, why should I have my Twix bar hung up on the springs?

3. Star Trek Nemisis: Episode 12. I have never seen this episode and Ronny McMurphy keeps telling me it is the best one. What's that you say? Why don't I watch the reruns? Because, Santa, no matter how many times I watch it (I skipped work last week hoping to see episode 12) I never see that episode. It's almost like it doesn't exist in my space-time continuum.

4. My lisp. I really don't want a lisp anymore. I know that it's cool to be different now-a-days, but I'm sick of this lisp. People think that I'm a "special" employee at work all the time. And you have no idea how many times I have been hit on by guys at the Manhole. Man, sometimes I think that place might be a gay bar.

5. Maggie MacArthur. Why won't Maggie go out with me just once? Please, in your infinite wisdom cannot you help her to see what a righteous guy I am? She's so lovely and I feel that she would enjoy my company and knowledge of fine wines. I even have a bottle from 1996. My mother has offered to make us macaroni, but every time I ask her out she's busy. It's almost exactly like the Johnny Fedora routine. People just don't seem to want to give me a chance.

Oh, Santa, in your infinite wisdom and godly powers I know that you can put this right. Did not your son die for our sins? Am I not paying for Twix bars that never come? Will you ever let me go to work without having to park Johnny Fedora's car for him?

As I have stated I have been a very good boy and look forward to seeing you on this 45th Christmas of mine.

Thanks

Ricky

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