By Matt Eckert

Hey! North Korea! Quit Running with Scissors!

America! What are you doing? Huh?

No, I heard you. You were calling your brother evil again. Knock it off! I mean it this time. Jeesh, I'm trying to cook dinner and every time I turn around you're taunting North Korea, Iraq, and Iran.

I don't care who started it, if you two can't play nicely together, then neither of you will have dinner.

I don't need to ask Britain anything. Besides, China will probably side with North Korea and then there you are.

Well, just quit it.

Hey! North Korea! Who gave you those scissors? Well, put them down this instant!

I know you're trying to stick up for yourself, but don't run with scissors, and don't threaten to stab your brothers.

I know, I know it's always the same thing with you guys - China and North Korea are ganging up on me, America and South Korea are taunting me - well, I'm sick of it.

Shit! See what you made me do, I dropped food all over the floor. America, come over here and help me.

What? You're busy doing what to Iraq?

Well, stop it this minute. America, you are REALLY cruisin' for a bruisin'.

Iraq has the scissors now? Iraq, put out your hands.

America, I don't see any scissors.

K, I'll search him, come here Iraq.

No scissors.

Oh, well, if he doesn't have them he must have hid them? That's a catch 22, America. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. When you get older I'll teach you about McCarthyism. Christ! What did you do now?

North Korea! Come down here right now! Did you threaten South Korea and America with the scissors again?

OK, I warned you, up to your room, now.

America, you go too.

And, Iraq, I found those scissors, you get up there as well, and if I hear any of you fighting there's gonna be a paddlin'!

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