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 By Matt Eckert I'm Gonna go Ahead and Ignore my Complete Lack of Self EsteemMax Kesner Man, this party is totally cool. I swear, this time I'm going to ignore every voice in my head that says I can't. K, let's do this. "Hello, young lady, what's your name?" "Um, Sherry. Bye." K, OK, I guess, maybe it was that she's too shy and maybe a good looking guy like me scared her off. No problem, let's move on. Oh, a conversation, I'll insert a joke. "Well, his name is Bush!" K, keep looking around at everyone until someone laughs...K, no laughs. Maybe I'll just go ahead and use the restroom to regroup. K, someone just hit me in the head with a beer can. Great, that must mean they accept me as one of their own. They wouldn't try to hurt someone they don't know that well. I'm sure it's just a gag. K, I think I'll laugh and play it off. "Ha, that's great, you hit me in my tumor." Yeah, that didn't go over. Maybe the absurd just isn't their type of humor. Onto the bathroom. I'll take this beer with me. K, I'll just down the beer and then go back out and party. Maybe this time I'll just tone my brand of humor down. These aren't the type of people who get me. Ah, that's better, that beer is sweeeeeeet! K, let's make a maneuver out of the bathroom and grab another beer. Oh, and let's try to avoid those guys who threw a beer at me. There we are. A nice beer in hand and look, I know that guy, let's see how he's doing. "Hey, Ricky, how ya been?" "Oh, fine, how ya doing, Max?" "Oh, great, same old, same old. You still at Coopers?" "Yeah, pretty much." "Cool." K, I don't have anymore conversation. Shit. "Well, have you seen Joe?" "No." Fuck. I don't have anything to ask or say. "Well, check you later." Why in the hell did I just say that? Christ, I can no longer ignore my complete failure as a component of society. This isn't working at all. K, calm down, let's pull it together, Kresner. Look, there, that one over there. She looks like your ex. It's meant to be. "Hey, you know were the beer is?" "Um, don't you have one in your hand?" DAMNIT KRESNER! K, be cool. "Yeah, but I told my buddies I was double fisting tonight." OH CHRIST! She took that the wrong way. "Um, OK..." "No, I meant, I was having two beers in my hand all night." "I know what you meant, what else would you mean?" OH SHIT! She did know what I meant. I'M THE PERVE! "Oh, nothing, just didn't know if you got me. So, what do you do?" "Leave awkward conversations." "Ha! Good one." "No, really, bye." "Bye." Back to the bathroom, Kresner. We'll regroup and start using our line about how we write for comedy websites... Send this article to a friend! Discuss this on the Levi Larrington message board.
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© 2002 Monkey Spit Monkey Spit is hosted by Boiling Point. All rights not expressly granted to others are reserved to Monkey Spit. This product is made by hand. As such, certain irregularities may occur. These irregularities do not in any way diminish the product, and are in fact desirable as evidence of the handmade nature of the product. This product is meant for educational purposes only. No other warranty expressed or implied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Not valid in Minnesota, Vermont, Louisiana or Delaware. Some assembly required. Use only as directed. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. One size fits all. Colors may, in time, fade. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Warranty void if serviced by non-authorized personnel. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. We are also not responsible for the current political situation, daytime television talk shows, the heartbreak of psoriasis or that Urkel kid. As a matter of fact, we are not responsible for much; wešre pretty irresponsible any way you look at it...but wešre cheerful, so people put up with us. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles, but an incredible simulation. Donšt try this at home; these are trained professionals. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Falling rock. Kilroy was here. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Out to lunch. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. May be hazardous to health if consumed in excessive quantities. Not responsible for typographical errors. No returns unless defective. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Some equipment shown is optional. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by consumer. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No dogs or actors allowed. First pull up, then pull down. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous and subsequent notices unless indicated otherwise. All rights reserved. |
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