By Matt Eckert

Seminar

Hello. It's now 8.30, this class will be over at four, with a half hour lunch at 12.30. Lunch will be provided. Any questions before we start? Yes, Charles?

What will be served for lunch?

We have a bottle of Advil, a block of cheese, and some Nestea.

How will the Advil and cheese be served?

The cheese will be studded with the Advil. The Nestea will be served in bowls.

Excellent.

Now how many people can understand the next sentence? Gerbils ate my in the haystack, concrete...concrete?

I do.

What?

I do.

That sentence was pure gibberish. Next, I will be shooting someone randomly.

BANG

Now, why did I just shoot Charles in the face? Anyone? Because I'm psychotic.

Should we be taking notes?

Should we call 911?

Yes. No. Now, I want you all to take a look at this chart I have made of Fillet of Fish experiences I have had at McDonalds. Here shows my bad experience in 1985. Next, you see a tasty experience in 1986. Note, the side of tartar I got for free.

Can we get tartar with our Advil and cheese?

BANG

Now why did I just shoot Linda?

Cuz she's fucking annoying?

Correct. Ronald. Move five chairs up.

May I pull my penis out?

Yes you may. Regina, smack yourself in the face. Excellent. Next, I want you to all break up into groups of five and hunt for the ham sandwich I have hidden somewhere in the room.

Hours pass.

Stop looking! There is no ham sandwich. You are all idiots.

Do we still get the Advil and cheese?

Yes. Next, I want you to take a can of spray paint and write your name on your desk so we can get to know each other. Excellent. Now, I want you to all stand up and introduce yourselves.

I-I'm from Regina Washington live in have work here Washington.

One at a time!

I'm Regina, I live in Washington. I have worked for Lostco for ninety-seven years. I have two dogs and one cat. I'm very old and very lonely.

Pathetic. Ronald?

My name is Ronald. I have herpes, as you can see, and I enjoy fly fishing.

BANG

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