By Matt Eckert

Amusement Park Now

Six Flags...I'm still only in Six Flags....

When I was at home all I could think about was being on the Tilt-a-Whirl. When I was on the Tilt-a-Whirl all I could think about was being at home. Here in the Bugs Bunny suite, I'm getting softer...weaker; meanwhile, the children grow stronger out in the park.

I wanted a mission and for my sins they gave me one.

I was to ride a small park cart down Main Street USA to Him.

He was kid from Kansas who came up to Illinois for the Twister Coaster. Looking at his file, I couldn't believe he'd be interested in the Twister. This kid had done the Parallel Jump in Park City, the Super Duper Trooper in Irving - what was this kid doing in Six Flags on a two bit Twister? We started out at around six in the morning. The crew of the park cart were just young punks. There was the waste disposal man: some kid from Chicago who I think got the zap put on him looking at the open space of the amusement park. Then there was the chef from Detroit who was too tightly bound for the park, probably too tightly bound for Detroit. Then there was the driver. It may have been my mission, but it sure as shit was his park cart.

We drove up main street.

"He was a good kid. And he was a friend." Chef knew the kid from serving him Kettle Corn on Main Street the day before. "I guess he just had enough of the park, decided to go it alone. Ditched his parents at the Teacups and the next thing you know, he's got a small army of children taking Bugsville USA over."

"Yeah, I know." I had been briefed prior to that day as to the situation.

Seems one Colin Kurtz had removed himself from the park; had removed himself from humanity....

Down Main Street USA you saw it all and our first stop was at the Funcoaster, where we were to meet up with Park Patrol. Well, goddamn, Park Patrol. These hotrodders ran the park like they owned it. The supervisor in charge was one Grant Alec.

"Hello, Mr. Farris, I'm Grant and this is my park!" Kids were running around vomiting as they got off the coaster. "I love the smell of recycled corn dogs in the morning."

Men my age and even younger were hit by the projectile vomit trying to rescue the kids from their sickening spin.

But, not Grant. Grant was the type of guy who could work in the park for years and not get so much as a sprinkle of bile on his staff shirt. "So, you need my clean up equipment do you?"

"Uh, yes sir, very much sir. We got a kid whose gone Tasmanian on us up at Bugsville. Apparently he's been forcing kids on the Funloop. We got vomit and diarrhea up to our ankles up there."

"Well, I sure as shit ain't going up. Here's Hooper, he'll show you around. We got buckets, sawdust, you name it."

Main Street ran directly through the middle of the park. It was the main access to anything the park had to offer. From Tazville USA, to Daffyland USA. It was a hell on Earth.

Look to your left and you see kids curled in fits of projectile vomiting, to your right you see the younger kids throwing tantrums and crying until....until...you just can't take it anymore.

"Fucking kids! FUCKING KIDS!" It was chef. He had lost it. "Here ya go kids, here ya go!" He had the sawdust cannon. In the blink of an eye, nine kids were down, covered in sawdust. It was like looking at a bar room floor in Dallas that somehow moved.

Chef was restrained until we got him to the next ticket counter where we left him to his madness...his torment. He kept screaming "Never get off the park cart! Never get off the park cart!"

Goddamn right, never get off the go cart.

"FUCK ME!" It was early afternoon, the next day. Out of nowhere we came under heavy fire. "I'm hit! I'm hit!" It was the kid from Chicago. I took cover and pulled him down under the polka dotted canvas of the park cart.

"They're just plastic pellets, Chicago."

"Oh, shit."

"Just plastic?" The driver grinned. Out of nowhere came a large baton, tied with ribbons and sparkling in the midday sun. Right over the head, the driver went down. Falling from the cart, he screamed "Just plastic?!" I watched as the kids engulfed him and began beating him with batons, and firing shots of plastic into his horrified face.

I took the wheel for the last leg.

Another hour and we were there. It was just me and Chicago. "I'm going in. If I'm not back in two hours the code to Cotton Candy the entire place is "That's all folks." I left Chicago in the boat. I came upon Collin as he sat in the basin of some unknown ride from the days when Disney used to own this place.

"Are you an assassin?"

"No, I'm a parks facility coordinator. I've come to return you to your parents."

"You're an errand boy, sent by park officials to collect luxury tax on a prolonged stay in a park...."

"What?"

"Nothing. I will not surrender! Boys, take him away."

I was led to the ball room. Not the kind of ball room you dance in, but the kind with all the balls in it, like in Chucky Cheese, and all the kids get lost in the balls and think 'look I'm having fun getting lost in all the colored balls!' Anyway, I was left in there for hours.

In the evening I sliced my way out of the plastic room and made my way towards Him.

He was up and reading from a book aloud.

"No...I....will....not....eat....green....eggs...."

I brought the candy cane over his head, once, twice, and again.

Dragging the boy out of Bugsville, the children stared at me in reverence. I put the go cart in gear and drove away with Colin.

"The horror" he muttered "the horror."

Archives

Send this article to a friend!

Discuss this on the Levi Larrington message board.

All rights not expressly granted to others are reserved to Monkey Spit. This product is made by hand. As such, certain irregularities may occur. These irregularities do not in any way diminish the product, and are in fact desirable as evidence of the handmade nature of the product. This product is meant for educational purposes only. No other warranty expressed or implied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Not valid in Minnesota, Vermont, Louisiana or Delaware. Some assembly required. Use only as directed. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. One size fits all. Colors may, in time, fade. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Warranty void if serviced by non-authorized personnel. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. We are also not responsible for the current political situation, daytime television talk shows, the heartbreak of psoriasis or that Urkel kid. As a matter of fact, we are not responsible for much; we¹re pretty irresponsible any way you look at it...but we¹re cheerful, so people put up with us. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles, but an incredible simulation. Don¹t try this at home; these are trained professionals. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Falling rock. Kilroy was here. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Out to lunch. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. May be hazardous to health if consumed in excessive quantities. Not responsible for typographical errors. No returns unless defective. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Some equipment shown is optional. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by consumer. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No dogs or actors allowed. First pull up, then pull down. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous and subsequent notices unless indicated otherwise. All rights reserved.