By Matt Eckert

Bush to cover up economic woes: sends small child down a well

AP- In a last ditch effort to sweep economic issues under the rug, President Bush has sent an 8-year old Cuban refugee down a 100-foot-deep well. The media circus began last night as CNN, ABC, NBC, and CBS began round the clock media coverage of a small boy, trapped in a well who has stolen the hearts of millions.

"It's..just so...so sad. I mean, here I was walking home from the Unemployment Office cursing my foul luck at being laid off from my fourth job in two years, when there's this...I'm sorry...this boy, who is not only a political prisoner of the evil Castro regime, but also fended off sharks and killer whales and...and...alligators...just to get here, then he gets trapped down a well. Oh, lord, please forgive me for my bitchery, I do know how lucky I am now." Said Patricia Hatfeldt of Oak Park, Illinois.

The boy, Elias Gonzaga, of Cuba embarked on a seven hour trip from hell that included flying on a Lear jet, having the Lear jet go down in the Gulf of Mexico, calling a helicopter by cell phone, having the helicopter fly him to Florida, having a Hertz rent-a-car drive him to a Hilton in St. Petersburg, having the car swing by the zoo, getting out of the car, going to the zoo, then being caught up in an apparent zoo-break where nine different ferocious animals simultaneously mauled young Elias. Elias recovered from his wounds within hours and was taken to Immigration and Naturalization Services to be interrogated.

"Ya know, it's like you got all these problems, like how my boy is in Northern Iraq with the threat of chemical annihilation, and my daughter is studying in Seoul with the threat of nuclear annihilation, meanwhile me and the wife are in Atlanta, waiting for the terrorists to anthrax the city, but, then there's this boy...trapped down a well, and away from his family....ah, gawd, you made me cry."

The President rallied around this show of support for Elias in a press conference earlier today. "We must be vigilant and stamp out these wells where they lay in cover, hiding from the brute force of our cranes and...crane type objects. Make no mistake, no well will be left open, no pit will have rickety, welted plywood covering it up so that a child may think it's safe to walk on, only to tricked by said plywood."

The President remarked on the Castro regime as well. "He thinks he can send small children over to our great state...country and let them be attacked by alligators, and werewolves, and the Green Goblin, make no mistake, Fidel, we will not allow you to send children to our country, not now, not in the future and not in the future of the future or tomorrow."

A microphone was lowered down late today in an attempt to make contact with the boy. After several tries they finally got the child to admit that he had in fact fallen down into the well and had not been forcibly kicked by INS officers. "Yes, I am in the well, I had fallen while playing...kick-dodgeball with my new American friends. The Department of Immigration and Naturalization Services had nothing to do with me falling down this well, the INS is friend of mine."

When asked for comment INS officer Stanley Brazen remarked "Shit, push a boy down a well? Hell, most of in the INS would eat our own mothers if it would mean people thought we were bad-ass, babe-killin' monsters of sweet vengeance, instead of the inept closet homosexuals that we are."

"Some of you have asked for solutions, for ways of safely resurectoring (sic) the boy from the well, well I will tell the American public that I have a new Elias stimulus package which will include the removal of Elias by way of trickle down economics beginning with a 50% tax break to those of the public that make 1 billion dollars or more each year. My fellow Americans, we must be vigilant," Said Bush.

According to University of Boston statistics, the time it will take for that tax cut to trickle down to local crane operating crews is equal to the half life of the largest star in the Milky Way.

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