By Matt Eckert

Arafat Aide: He Ain't Smelling Too Good

In a remarkable phone call that could only be described as revealing, Arafat Aide Yasser Rabbo describes the conditions in the Arafat compound.

Axl: Mr. Rabbo, I appreciate the phone call. How are things?

Yasser: Things could be better, Mr. Connely, things could be a whole lot better.

Axl: I understand this phone call is being made from a HAM radio, is that correct?

Yasser: Yes, that is correct, Mr. Connely.

Axl: And how would you describe the conditions in the compound?

Yasser: Well, not pretty. Arafat is beginning to smell, I mean really smell. We've ran out of deodorant, toilet tissue, and Aqua Velva; and I don't know how long we can last in here with this abominable stench. I mean - this place really stinks.

Axl: Could you compare it to something that my readers may be able to relate?

Yasser: No. I don't think there is anything on this great Earth that smells quite as bad as this.

Axl: K, how about boredom? How are you dealing with the endless hours trapped in a room with the same people day in, day out?

Yasser: Jehovah! It's terrible, at first we began sharing Arafat's phone; he's got Tetris on it, but, soon the power went out and we had to save the battery for diplomatic exchanges. So, then we were down to playing Scrabble.

Axl: Eh, Scrabble, I love Scrabble.

Yasser: Have you ever played it in Arabic?

Axl: No.

Yasser: Good Christ, it sucks. Soon after a couple games we threw it out, plus Arafat was cheating. Don't tell him I said this, but he steals tiles.

Axl: I'm sorry to hear that. What then?

Yasser: Well, then we pretty much started what we're at now.

Axl: And what's that?

Yasser: Well, we made some small hand puppets that we are using to stage plays.

Axl: Really, what kind of plays?

Yasser: Oh, anything from Oklahoma to Cats.

Axl: That's a lot of puppets.

Yasser: Yes, we have a slogan: the less peace, the more puppets. Next, we will be doing the Cantebury Tales, if things get really bad, we'll start on War and Peace.

Axl: Amazing. How about food?

Yasser: Oh, we're down to a drum of Mayo and a Costco palette of Cheetos. And, I'll tell you I'm really starting to wrinkle on my finger tips from licking that damn Cheeto cheese off my fingers.

Axl: That's terrible. I'm sorry to hear that.

Yasser: Yeah, but it's not all bad. We still have our pride.

Axl: Really?

Yasser: (laughs) Just kidding. But, I will tell you this, and this has yet to be reported, so I'll be giving you a scoop!

Axl: Great, what's the story?

Yasser: We have belly dancers.

Axl: Really?

Yasser: Yes, they came to us the other night.

Axl: Really, that must be nice.

Yasser: Yes, but they do have some oddities.

Axl: Like what?

Yasser: Well, they ask a lot of questions and have unusual names for Palestinians.

Axl: Like what?

Yasser: Well, my favorite is named Golda.

Axl: Yes, that's a Jewish name, I would believe.

Yasser: That's what I said. Anyway, they ask a lot of questions and they all have tiny microphones and cameras that they say they use to record our fun. But, I see no tapes, no tapes at all.

Axl: That's too bad. Yasser: Anyway, I have to go. Golda is at the door and she says she needs to know where our Iranian contact is living so she can give him a special belly dance.

Axl: Oh, alright. Thank you for your time, Mr. Rabbo.

Yasser: You are welcome.

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