Rant-Man's Notebook

By Jim "Rant-Man" MacQuarrie

AAARRGGHHHHH!!!!!

I'm a regular ray of sunshine today, and you get to feel it, since you came here to read these ramblings. My spanking new Mac decided to go nuts on my today. I started it up and it flashed the blinking "where the hell is your hard drive" icon. So I couldn't post this rant for you. I had to wait until I had time and write a new one for you, since the old one is locked on the malfunctioning machine. The good part is, it's still under warranty, so now it's in the shop. God willing there's somebody there who knows the meaning of the words "customer service." But I doubt it. I haven't found too many people out there lately who give a good fart about what they're doing.

Case in point: when I recently decided to get DirectTV installed, my eldest daughter and I walked into a local store (which I will refer to by the pseudonym "Decent Buy If You Can Find a Freakin' Salesperson"), went directly to the DirectTV display, and began glancing expectantly around, trying to look for all the world like people who had made up their minds what they wanted and were just waiting for somebody to come and take their money for it, which is exactly what we were.

About ten minutes later, a Decent Buy If You Can Find a Freakin' Salesperson employee sauntered by. I asked him if he could help me. He promised to send somebody right over. Fifteen minutes later, another Decent Buy employee came around to straighten up the DVD racks. I asked her if anybody worked in this department. She pointed to the dark recesses of a distant corner and explained that the personnel for the TV department were usually back at the computer located there. With renewed hope blossoming in our hearts, we made our way back to the corner in question, where we did in fact locate another employee apparently engaged in the act of helping a customer. Secure in the knowledge that our quest would soon be completed, we stood patiently and waited for him to finish with them.

A good ten minutes or so later, the employee and the alleged customer finished their conversation by doing that knocking fists together thing, made some agreement about where and when they would meet up when the employee got off duty, and otherwise conveyed the fact that their previous conversation had not been related in any way to the store's business. Finally the employee's pal departed, and I stepped up to the desk. The Decent Buy employee seemed a little irritated to find an actual customer intruding on his space. Undeterred, I explained what I wanted.

"I want to get DirectTV, two rooms, one of them with Tivo. How much?"

Decent Buy's finest turned and pointed to another section of the store and explained that there were three or four people in that area who could help me. He offered no explanation for his own inability to do so. At this point, having already spent over half an hour trying to find somebody who would accept my money, I was starting to get a vein throbbing on my forehead, but I went to the indicated department anyway like a good little sheep.

The place that the slacker had sent me to was as thickly populated as Antarctica. If I had begun firing a shotgun randomly around, no employee would have been in any danger of injury. I looked at my daughter and she at me, and she asked what we should do now. I told her to follow me, and we went to the cashier and asked to speak to a manager. The Decent Buy If You Can Find a Freakin' Salesperson cashier directed me to another location where somebody could call one. Upon arrival there, we were told that the manager would be there in a minute. I took out my pocketwatch to time him. He went over a minute, but not by much. When he arrived, he asked me what the problem was.

"Do you pay your employees a commission for each customer they drive out of the store?"

This confused him, so I explained my adventures of the last forty minutes. He tells me that he can take me back to that department and see to it that somebody helps me immediately.

"Sorry, you had your chance. I came in here fully prepared to buy two receivers and a satellite dish and pay for a full year of programming, and your people couldn't be bothered, so now I'm going down the street to your competitor and give them my money. I just wanted you to know that you lost a sale and a customer."

That's exactly what we did. We drove over to another store (which I'll refer to by the pseudonym "Shortcircuit Suburb"). We got there at closing time, but they let us in anyway, and within 30 seconds a young lady was writing up my order.

At that point, I was extremely pleased with Shortcircuit Suburb, but alas, my joy was to be short-lived. A couple of days later, the installer came out to the house to set up all this stuff. I was at work, diligently serving my corporate masters, and my bride was faced with handling the situation. The installer looked at our stack of new equipment and asked "where's your multiswitch?"

Having no idea what he was talking about, my bride called me and explained that we needed a multiswitch. It apparently had something to do with the Tivo system requiring two signals. The installer said he had a multiswitch on his truck that he would sell us for only $100. I grudgingly agreed to it, then called Shortcircuit Suburb to make sure the guy wasn't trying to hustle me. The guy on the phone said I didn't need one, then called the installation company to make sure, came back on the line and said we did need one after all. He could not tell me why the salesperson didn't know this; surely I wasn't the only person ever to buy two these two receivers, was I? Upon further questioning, I was told that they have the multiswitch at the store for $80. I was just annoyed enough by the whole situation, and by the installer's arrogant attitude, so I called home and told my kid that I was going to the Shortcircuit Suburb store to buy the switch and would bring it home shortly for the guy to install.

Unfortunately, the store I went to (near my office) was staffed by ex-employees of Decent Buy, and it took a good 25 minutes to find somebody who could tell me what a multiswitch was and where to find it. I called home and said I was on the way with the switch, and they handed the phone to the installer. He very angrily informed me that he had installed his own, and that he had to go to another job, and that if I wanted my switch installed I would have to pay for installation. I told him to take out his switch, and that I was not going to pay for any such thing. My contract said free installation in two rooms, and until it was working in two rooms, the installation was not complete. He hung up the phone, and by the time I got home, he was gone. My bride informed me that he had complained a great deal when she refused to let him drill holes in the hundred-year-old woodwork and made him go through a plaster wall instead, which took longer to run wires to. As if he's doing us a favor by doing his job. But he did have both systems working before he yanked out his switch and left, so all I needed to do was put the new one in, right? Sure.

I followed the instructions that came with the switch, which did not apply at all, and eventually got the DirectTV to work in the living room, but not in the bedroom. By this time I was half an hour over my lunch period, so I went back to work, called Shortcircuit Suburb's customer service, and argued with them, eventually coming to the conclusion that I should return to the store where I bought the system and get help in person.

That evening, I did so, and found that all the employees were gathered in the TV section watching a Lakers game, cheering and high-fiving as if at a frat party. One guy was running frantically around trying to help customers, and after about 25 minutes or so, he got to me. I explained the problem, he told me how to hook up the switch, and I left, stopping at the desk to praise the only guy in the store who wasn't an idiot. If you find yourself in the Shortcircuit Suburb store in Pasadena, ask for Edgar if you want to deal with somebody who cares about doing a good job.

As it turned out, Edgar's advice didn't work. The TV still doesn't work in he bedroom, but I was too busy to deal with it. A few days later, a got a phone call from Shortcircuit Suburb's people, following up with a survey as to my satisfaction with the way my previous call had been handled. I let the guy have it with both barrels, telling him in no uncertain terms how dissatisfied I was with the service I had received. He seemed genuinely shocked and promised to look into it.

The next day I got a message on my machine informing me that they needed the ticket number from my receipt in order to handle my case. I called back and gave them the information they needed. That was the last I heard from them. I think I'll go over to the store tonight and yell at them some more. It's rather therapeutic.

On the positive side, Tivo is an amazingly wonderful thing. Whatever I want to watch is on whenever I want to watch it. I watched Smallville and two episodes of Justice League last night. Right now it's collecting episodes of Fawlty Towers, Trigger-Happy Television, Rocky & Bullwinkle, and random movies featuring Tom Conti or Anne Bancroft. Neever again will I hear (or say) the words "there's nothing on." My TV only gets good stuff now.

Get Tivo. You'll love it. You might want to see if you can get it somewhere other than Decent Buy or Shortcircuit Suburb, though.

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