Rant-Man's Notebook

By Jim "Rant-Man" MacQuarrie

Clowns and Other Aberrations

I don't like clowns.

That may come as a shock to some people, for one reason; I used to be one. Actually, I wasn't much of one. I was just a guy in a clown-suit who made balloon animals, not, as the kids used to say, "a real clown."

I'd be twisting away at my balloons, and a kid would say "are you a REAL clown?" and I never really knew how to answer that. Did they think that clowns were people who were born with fluourescent hair, multi-colored faces, and bad fashion sense?

Truth be known, I only wore a clown-suit because it was expected of me in the balloon gigs. Clowns creep me out as much as they do most normal people. There's something unsavory about them. Maybe it's the phoniness of the whole thing, or maybe it's the fact that so many of them are so damn mean. They get their laughs by doing something rotten to an unsuspecting spectator so that the rest of the audience can laugh at the poor dupe. Playing to the bloodthirsty if you ask me.

The last time I went to Sea World, they had the world's most obnoxious mime working the crowd. I'm surprised this guy has never been punched out. His entire routine consisted of walking behind people and imitating them in the rudest way possible. What a jerk.

Here's a tip: avoid women who collect clowns. Figurines, paintings, whatever. Clowns = bad.

I'm sure that'll piss SOMEBODY off.

Had a revelation the other day. Was watching TV with the tribe, and a really stupid commercial came on; I forget what it was for, probably a cell-phone that doubles as an electric razor or something. Anyway, my kid commented on how stupid and pointless the ad was, and that's when it struck me. How to tell if you need something: if the commercial is weird, it's probably for something you don't need.

Take car ads, for example. If an ad is for a reasonably-priced, practical car, the ad will be calm and logical: Here's our car and here's why you should buy it. On the other hand, if the commercial is arty and confusing and plays up the image of the car without really telling you anything about it (usually by cramming some inappropriate but stylish song in the middle of the ad), then the car is most likely overpriced, unreliable and unnecessary.

There are other rules you can use. One I heard that made a lot of sense was this one: Remember the Seven Deadly Sins? Greed, Lust, Envy, Sloth, Gluttony, Pride, and Anger? The rule is, if the commercial appeals to one or more of them, it's for something you don't need. Works for me.

Speaking of ads, election time is upon us. Time to review How to Vote. Here are my rules:

1. The propositions are more important than the candidates. Read the election guide. If you don't understand what the proposition is supposed to do, flip to the back of the booklet where they have the arguments in favor and against the propositions. You don't even have to read them; just take note of which argument uses the most exclamation points, and vote against it. Exclamation points, all caps, underlines and italics are the prime indicators that the argument is one of emotion rather than reason.

2. Vote NO on bonds. Always. Bonds are the most expensive way to finance any government project. I've never once voted in favor of a bond, and I never will. If the project is that important, they can find another way to raise the money.

3. If you don't know who to vote for, or don't want to vote for any of them, pick the guy you hate the most and vote for whoever has the best chance of beating him. For example, here in California, Gray Davis has been an absolute failure as a governor. He was up to his eyeballs in helping Enron to screw the whole state. All of his policies have been catastrophic. Plus the guy thinks he's king. Told the Sacramento Bee that. Announced that the purpose of the legislature is to carry out his policies. And he's for sale. "How do you get Gray Davis to change his position on an issue? Tell him the check bounced." He's also (according to Jill Stewart at the now-defunct New Times) a full-blown psycho given to fits of rage. Throws things at his staff. Literally, he'll pick up a knick-knack off his desk and hurl it at somebody. It's a wonder he hasn't been arrested yet. In any case, we really don't need another term with this bribe-taking egotistical lunatic, but people don't like Simon.

Fine, so don't vote for Simon. Vote for the Green candidate, or the Libertarian, Peace & Freedom, Natural Law Party, Reform Party, Geopragmacrat, Gotterdammercrat, or one of the other ones, just DON'T VOTE FOR DAVIS. "Anybody But Davis" is the campaign slogan for me.

We have to stop him now, before he runs for president. We already have too many clowns.

Rant-Man's Archives

Send this article to a friend!

Discuss this on the Rant-Man's Notebook Message Board

E-mail Rant-Man.

All rights not expressly granted to others are reserved to Monkey Spit. This product is made by hand. As such, certain irregularities may occur. These irregularities do not in any way diminish the product, and are in fact desirable as evidence of the handmade nature of the product. This product is meant for educational purposes only. No other warranty expressed or implied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Not valid in Minnesota, Vermont, Louisiana or Delaware. Some assembly required. Use only as directed. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. One size fits all. Colors may, in time, fade. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Warranty void if serviced by non-authorized personnel. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. We are also not responsible for the current political situation, daytime television talk shows, the heartbreak of psoriasis or that Urkel kid. As a matter of fact, we are not responsible for much; we¹re pretty irresponsible any way you look at it...but we¹re cheerful, so people put up with us. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles, but an incredible simulation. Don¹t try this at home; these are trained professionals. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Falling rock. Kilroy was here. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Out to lunch. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. May be hazardous to health if consumed in excessive quantities. Not responsible for typographical errors. No returns unless defective. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Some equipment shown is optional. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by consumer. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No dogs or actors allowed. First pull up, then pull down. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous and subsequent notices unless indicated otherwise. All rights reserved.