Rant-Man's Notebook

By Jim "Rant-Man" MacQuarrie

Father's Day

So it was Father's Day on Sunday. That was never a big whoop when I was a kid. Aside from the fact that Dad wasn't of the Ward Cleaver School of Fatherhood, "special" days in general seemed to rock the boat, and something as incendiary as Father's Day was pretty much guaranteed to end badly. For years, I pretty much ignored Father's Day, except to sometimes send my mother a card, so now that I'm on the receiving end, I find it a little bit weird. Not bad, but a little unsettling. But such is life, and so I get to be indulged by my progeny.

As I mentioned before, I usually send my mom a Father's Day card. She likes it. At least, I never hear any complaints about it, and trust me, if Mom doesn't like something, EVERYBODY knows it. One of the things she doesn't like is Mother's Day. "I don't want you to call me just because Hallmark says you should call me," she says. She's of the opinion that Mother's Day is a day of obligation created by guilty children to ease their consciences for neglecting Mom. My bride figured out a way to outsmart her on this point. We buy a stack of Mother's Day cards every year, and then just mail them at random times throughout the year. Then I don't send her one on the actual Mother's Day. Clever, huh?

My bride made a terrific breakfast, and I got the Special Plate. It's brightly colored and says "God Bless You on Your Special Day!" It's a tradition at our house; if it's your birthday, or you're graduating, or it's Father's Day, you get the Special Plate. Guaranteeed to bring a smile.

Then the Spawn all bickered about the cinnamon rolls. My son is the Food Police; if anybody takes too much, or doesn't take their veggies, or opens a second box of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs before the first one is gone (to get the toy, usually), then MonkeyBoy is all over them until I tell him to shut up. I love my son dearly, but he has a voice like an icepick to the eye.

Of course, the important part is, I got prezzies. I don't care if it IS a Hallmark Holiday created by merchants to sell cards and trinkets. I got prezzies. For some reason, the people I work with weren't too impressed by them. I thought I got some cool stuff.

I got a J. Jonah Jameson Action Figure, with Desk-Pounding Action. How can you not love that? (Note for the non-geeks among you: J. Jonah Jameson is the nasty S.O.B. newspaper editor in the Spider-Man comics and recent movie. A foul-tempered surly reactionary that everybody loves to hate. He's the Boss From Hell.) JJJ sits behind his desk with a scowl on his face. Toggle the lever on his back, and he beats his fist on the desktop, causing all the items on the desk to bounce around. I love it. It's in a place of honor at my office, right next to the Wile E. Coyote and Pinky & the Brain toys.

I also got a paperback edition of The Best of Will Rogers. Just get your butt over to Amazon and order it already.

The best was the movie. I got the DVD of UHF. Seen it? It's Weird Al's movie. It includes the music video for his version of Money For Nothing. His version is the Beverly Hillbillies theme, set to the Dire Straits song. UHF is the story of a goofball who gets to be the General Manager of a small UHF station (his uncle wins it in a poker game), and the wacky shows he puts on the air; everything from Raoul's Wild Kingdom to Wheel of Fish. It's one of those movies that's packed full of gags; if you don't like a joke, don't worry, another one will be along any second. Plus the DVD is packed full of extra stuff. If you're a mental case like me, you gotta see this movie. Michael Richards (Kramer on "Seinfeld") is pure genius as Stanley Spidowsky, the janitor-turned-kid show host. The "Find the Marble in the Oatmeal" game is perfection on film.

The rest of the day was spent doing whatever I wanted to do, which did not involve watching any sports of any kind. It did, however, involve a lot of goofing off and doing nothing. I probably should have used the time effectively to get ahead on Monkey Spit stuff, but noooo. I puttered away the whole weekend.

And I deserved it. Hell, it's Father's Day.

I could get used to this.

Rant-Man's Archives

Send this article to a friend!

Discuss this on the Rant-Man's Notebook Message Board

E-mail Rant-Man.

All rights not expressly granted to others are reserved to Monkey Spit. This product is made by hand. As such, certain irregularities may occur. These irregularities do not in any way diminish the product, and are in fact desirable as evidence of the handmade nature of the product. This product is meant for educational purposes only. No other warranty expressed or implied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Not valid in Minnesota, Vermont, Louisiana or Delaware. Some assembly required. Use only as directed. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. One size fits all. Colors may, in time, fade. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Warranty void if serviced by non-authorized personnel. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. We are also not responsible for the current political situation, daytime television talk shows, the heartbreak of psoriasis or that Urkel kid. As a matter of fact, we are not responsible for much; we¹re pretty irresponsible any way you look at it...but we¹re cheerful, so people put up with us. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles, but an incredible simulation. Don¹t try this at home; these are trained professionals. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Falling rock. Kilroy was here. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Out to lunch. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. May be hazardous to health if consumed in excessive quantities. Not responsible for typographical errors. No returns unless defective. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Some equipment shown is optional. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by consumer. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No dogs or actors allowed. First pull up, then pull down. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous and subsequent notices unless indicated otherwise. All rights reserved.