Rant-Man's Notebook

By Jim "Rant-Man" MacQuarrie

Dead Pool 2003

I used to run a Dead Pool. It was a sick evil game, and I thought about starting it up again this year, but I got busy. Then it occurred to me that we could play it right here on our own sadly neglected message boards. I'm going to start a thread on the "Stray Thoughts" board called "Dead Pool." If you want to play, pop over there and put in your entry. There's a link to the board at the bottom of this page.

"What's a Dead Pool?" I hear you cry. Fear not, children, for your Uncle Jimmy will explain all. A Dead Pool is a form of gambling, in which contestants try to guess which celebrities will expire in the next year. We didn't play last year because nobody was in the mood after the unpleasantness of September. But time has passed and some semblance of normalcy has returned, including an appetite for sick evil games. So here we go.

Usually, each player puts in a set amount of money, say $10 American, and at the end of the year, the winner takes the pot. Since we're doing an informal game this year, we won't be collecting money. It's free to enter this time, and the winner gets (what else?) a Monkey Spit t-shirt.

Here are the rules the way they're normally played, in case you want to organize a game with your friends. I'll put the revisions for the online version in italics.

The Rules

How does it work?
Players are assigned a position in the rotation as follows: New players choose first, in order determined by drawing straws. Returning players go in the reverse order of their standing in the previous game; the winner chooses last.
On each turn, a player chooses the name of one celebrity to add to his list. There are no duplications allowed; once a celebrity is chosen by one player, he/she is not available for other players. The choosing of teams continues in this manner until every player has a list of 10 (ten) celebrities.
We'll just go with first come, first served. Post your list of ten celebs under my starter post. You can't pick anybody that somebody else has picked; no duplications.

The next step is the choosing of Wild Cards. Each player chooses in turn until every player has two Wild Cards. The first is added to the player's roster, and the second is written on a card and put into a basket, from which they will be drawn at random so that each player ends up with someone else's Wild Card. If a player picks his own nominee, he may keep it if he so desires.
We'll just pick our own Wild Cards; add your two picks at the bottom of your list.

Throughout the year, at random intervals, the Commissioner will publish updated listings of each player's score. These will be posted on the Dead Pool website as well as being distributed in printed form. At the end of the year, the player who has had the most deaths on his/her list is declared the winner, and takes the pot. The game is winner-take-all; there are no prizes for second or third place.
We'll post the updates on the board. No printed version.

What's a Celebrity?
Our standard is that candidates have to be noteworthy enough for the Associated Press to publish their obituary. We have to be able to find out who's dead. There are certain exclusions: Convicted criminals facing execution by the state are disqualified. You can't just check in with the Texas Penal System and get their schedule. Convicts who are not on death row are valid candidates, provided they are noteworthy public figures (Richard Ramirez, Charles Manson or Sirhan Sirhan, for example).

Players are not allowed to choose minors for their rosters. Sorry, the Olsen Twins are off-limits. Macauley Culkin IS eligible since he turned 18. Celebrities can be chosen from any walk of life. Previous candidates have included mathematicians, rap singers, architects, astronomers, and writers, as well as the usual contingent of actors and politicians (same thing).

What's a Wild Card?
Wild Cards are candidates that a player does not have any reason to think would die, rather he/she wishes they would. This is your chance to vent your hostility and choose someone simply because they annoy you. Some suggestions might include Dennis Rodman, Alanis Morrisette, Fabio, OJ Simpson, John Ashcroft or Howard Stern.

This introduces two elements into the game: Random Chance and Personal Animosity. By choosing people who aren't likely to die, and by distributing some of them at random, the opportunity for an upset is added. By nominating objects of loathing for these slots, players are (1) free of the problem of nominating unlikely candidates simply because they are hated, and (2) given the opportunity to cheer for the possible demise of such people. Simply put, it makes for a livelier game.

How do I find names to pick?
Research is the key. Pay attention to the news and make note of public figures who are old, ill, or self-destructive. Search the Internet for sites that thrack the dead and dying (there are a lot of them). Call the retired actor's home and see who's there. When you see someone on TV who looks like hell, make a note to yourself. Above all, research, research, research. We can't do everything for you!

What if I pick someone who's already dead?
If anyone notices during the choosing period, you'll get to pick a replacement. If it's discovered after the game begins, you lose a point. It's happened before. For our purposes, you'll have to correct the error on the same day your list is posted.

That's it. Pick your potential stiffs, and let's see who pushes up the daisies this year. It's a fun game, but extremely corrupting. You'll find yourself keeping track of old movie stars, asking "gee, how's her health?" When you hear that some rocker has gone belly-up in a hotel room, choking on his own bile, you won't say "too bad." You'll say "who had him?" Prepare to be warped.

Just to make it fair, I'll post my list in a few days, after you've posted yours. Sound like fun? Good. Go enter now!

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