Rant-Man's Notebook

By Jim "Rant-Man" MacQuarrie

Haiku? You're soaking in them!

A long time ago (in web terms that is--about six years ago), one of my favorite sites on the internet was "The Wonderful World of Clean Underwear and a Sensible Pair of Shoes." I originally found it listed in an issue of a long-defunct magazine called "The Net" and had to check it out. It was a revelation, and some shards of its goodness permeate Monkey Spit. "The Wonderful World of Clean Underwear and a Sensible Pair of Shoes" featured such oddities as haiku. Not just any haiku; haiku about Spam. Haiku about Bill Bixby. Haiku about cows. How cool is that?

Here's one from memory:

Man visits doctor.
"I eat spam every day."
Angioplasty.

The site also featured obscure alternative Christian musicians like One Bad Pig. Here was a guy who did his own thing and did it with style. Certainly this man was a force to reckon with.

Sadly, that site is long gone. However, don't despair. Richard Vance, the creator of "The Wonderful World of Clean Underwear and a Sensible Pair of Shoes," has surfaced with a new site, "The Adventures of Richie Millennium in the Thirteenth Dimension," and it is a very worthy successor. Here you can find an audio file of Richie Millennium singing in the shower. He sings an REO Speedwagon song. You'll also find the Super Elastic Combustion Rodeo, the world's oddest postcards, plenty of Haiku, and the Richie Millennium Variety Show.

The best thing about the new site is that it retains one of my favorite elements of the old one, the Archive of Endangered, Special or Fun Words. This is a great resource for punching up your vocabulary. It's where I learned the great term "defenestration," the act of throwing someone or something out a window. There's also "enfenestration," throwing someone or something IN a window, and "transfenestration," throwing someone or something through a closed window. Certainly no vocabulary is complete without sesquipedalian terms like these!

Here, for your edification and amusement, are some of my favorite Endangered, Special and Fun words, lifted without apology from the Thirteenth Dimension:

Apotheosis-- the act of becoming a god.

Apotemnophiliac-- one who derives sexual gratification from the amputation of limbs, either their own or somebody else's.

Eructation-- a belch.

Infundibulum-- a funnel or funnel-shaped object.

Omphaloskepsis-- the act of examining or contemplating one's navel.

Oont-- another name for a camel.

Somniloquoy-- talking in your sleep.

Syzygy-- when everything comes into alignment.

If you get a chance, you should pop over to the Thirteenth Dimension and look around. I'll just sit here and engage in omphaloskepsis while you're gone.

Rant-Man's Archives

Send this article to a friend!

Discuss this on the Rant-Man's Notebook Message Board

E-mail Rant-Man.

All rights not expressly granted to others are reserved to Monkey Spit. This product is made by hand. As such, certain irregularities may occur. These irregularities do not in any way diminish the product, and are in fact desirable as evidence of the handmade nature of the product. This product is meant for educational purposes only. No other warranty expressed or implied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Not valid in Minnesota, Vermont, Louisiana or Delaware. Some assembly required. Use only as directed. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. One size fits all. Colors may, in time, fade. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Warranty void if serviced by non-authorized personnel. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. We are also not responsible for the current political situation, daytime television talk shows, the heartbreak of psoriasis or that Urkel kid. As a matter of fact, we are not responsible for much; we¹re pretty irresponsible any way you look at it...but we¹re cheerful, so people put up with us. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles, but an incredible simulation. Don¹t try this at home; these are trained professionals. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Falling rock. Kilroy was here. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Out to lunch. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. May be hazardous to health if consumed in excessive quantities. Not responsible for typographical errors. No returns unless defective. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Some equipment shown is optional. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by consumer. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No dogs or actors allowed. First pull up, then pull down. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous and subsequent notices unless indicated otherwise. All rights reserved.