Rant-Man's Notebook

By Jim "Rant-Man" MacQuarrie

O Family Channel, Where Art Thou?

"Daddy, what's porno?"

See, this is what the Family Channel is supposed to prevent. Remember the Family Channel? It was started by Pat Robertson years ago as a home for wholesome TV shows that the whole family could watch together without worrying about objectionable content. Okay, it also ran "The 700 Club" every other hour, but you can't have everything.

A while back, the Family Channel got picked up by Fox and became the Fox Family Channel. Almost immediately, the focus shifted from "clean" to "not dirty." There is a difference. "Clean" shows are intentionally clean, while "not dirty" shows are those where for some reason the dirty stuff was accidentally left out. Basically, anything without overt adult content is acceptable, without any regard to whether or not kids want to watch it; game shows, for example. Fox Family showed a lot of them.

Eventually, Fox Family got passed to Disney, where it became ABC Family Channel, or as my older daughter calls it, the ABC Cast-Off Channel. They show reruns of everything on ABC that isn't produced by Steven Bochco. It was during an episode of "Whose Line is it Anyway?" that my little girl was introduced to the concept of porno.

Don't think I'm a big ol' prude. I'm not. What it comes down to is I'm lazy. We parents don't necessarily want wholesome programs that teach positive values and enrich our children. What we want is programs that don't ambush us. We want to be able to let our kids watch TV secure in the knowledge that we won't be called upon to explain what those people on TV are talking about.

I learned this from my mom, but she probably doesn't remember it. I was about 11 or 12 years old, I think, and I'd seen an episode of "The Beverly Hillbillies" that included a reference to the word "orgy." Of course, in the episode, it referred to something very much like a toga party; at least, Mr. Drysdale was wearing a toga. So I thought about that for a while, and the next day, I finally asked my mother, "hey Mom, what's an orgy?"

I hadn't yet learned the fine art of timing. I asked her this question in the middle of a big picnic with some social group she belonged to. Dozens of strangers snapped their heads in our direction (I had a voice that could etch glass) to see who had asked the question and what the answer would be. I watched mom turn red and get flustered, struggling for an answer. Finally she pointed at one of the guys there, a would-be smooth operator type, and said "ask him."

He gave some flippant answer and everybody laughed. I learned to use a dictionary.

This point was hammered home to me the other day when I was flipping through the ad from Target that came with my newspaper. They showed a bunch of DVD movies for sale; each movie had the title and the name of the studio under it. Next to "Harry Potter--Warner" there was "Pulp Fiction--Disney." Yeah, I know Miramax is owned by Disney now, but the incongruity of seeing those two names in conjunction was rather jarring. I suppose if we were to ask Eisner what Walt would think of this, he'd tell us to thaw him out and ask him.

Anyway, I didn't have to answer the porno question. Wayne Brady sang a silly song and distracted my kid from her question. She's probably saving it for the next company picnic.

We get mail.

Remember I wrote about Terrifica, the Superheroine of the Singles Bars? I got a note about that....

I am a researcher for a TV show and we desperately want to find Terrifca, the superhero girl, in New York City. We promise not to reveal her identity. We'd like to get her on our show. Do you know how to get a hold of her????? We'd be very grateful!

We also want Fantastico!!!!!

I'm afraid I wasn't much help to them, as all I had to go on was the news article at ABCNEWS.com. If any of you know how to contact Terrifica, send me an e-mail and I'll pass it along.

If you've spent any time at Monkey Spit, you've probably looked at some of the Featured Sites. These used to be called the Site of the Week, back when I had the energy to do a new one every seven days. Anyway, we get mail about those. When we did The Center for Vanished Celebrities, I got a bunch of e-mail telling me where MC Hammer is (doing commercials for a finance company in northern California), what Tina Yothers is up to (singing in a band), and asking what Jan-Michael Vincent is doing now (I have no idea).

When we did the Be A God page, I got an e-mail asking if we were for real. What do you think? Should we really do it? We could print up Certificates of Deity and sell them, but is it wrong? Hey, you can buy Alien Abduction Insurance, why not godhood?

A couple of months after we created Heavenly Links, I received a note informing me that the same idea had just appeared in the Weekly World News. I suppose I should have called my lawyer, except I don't have one.

I got this question in response to our Manatee: Not Just for Breakfast Anymore page:

I was wondering if you could tell me were I could find any manatee meat

I passed that one to Louie; he replied:

In the manatee section of the meat department at your local grocer, of course. It should be near the seafood. If you don't see it, ask someone in the meat department to help you. It's very popular and they frequently run out, but sometimes they have more in the back. Good luck.

Keep those cards and letters coming, folks!

Rant-Man's Archives

Send this article to a friend!

Discuss this on the Rant-Man's Notebook Message Board

E-mail Rant-Man.

All rights not expressly granted to others are reserved to Monkey Spit. This product is made by hand. As such, certain irregularities may occur. These irregularities do not in any way diminish the product, and are in fact desirable as evidence of the handmade nature of the product. This product is meant for educational purposes only. No other warranty expressed or implied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Not valid in Minnesota, Vermont, Louisiana or Delaware. Some assembly required. Use only as directed. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. One size fits all. Colors may, in time, fade. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Warranty void if serviced by non-authorized personnel. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. We are also not responsible for the current political situation, daytime television talk shows, the heartbreak of psoriasis or that Urkel kid. As a matter of fact, we are not responsible for much; we¹re pretty irresponsible any way you look at it...but we¹re cheerful, so people put up with us. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles, but an incredible simulation. Don¹t try this at home; these are trained professionals. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Falling rock. Kilroy was here. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Out to lunch. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. May be hazardous to health if consumed in excessive quantities. Not responsible for typographical errors. No returns unless defective. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Some equipment shown is optional. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by consumer. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No dogs or actors allowed. First pull up, then pull down. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous and subsequent notices unless indicated otherwise. All rights reserved.