Rant-Man's Notebook

By Jim "Rant-Man" MacQuarrie

Forgetfulness, Mr. Blackwell and Dwarf Pitchmen

Only the elderly can't be forgetful. I can't tell you the number of times that I've come out of the mall and can't find my car, but if your grandfather does that, it's time to call the home. One time I made a sandwich, but got distracted in the middle of the process; a while later I realized I was eating plain bread. The bologna was still on the plate on the kitchen counter. Because I was 20 at the time, it was no big deal, but if I were 65, the family would be checking into places to put me where I could be supervised.

I know a lady who has recently gotten very much into researching genealogy, and discovered the message boards at some of the ancestry websites. She's been spending hours in front of the computer, and it was giving her a headache. At least she thought it was the cause, until she discovered that she was drinking Miracle-Gro. She'd mixed up a bottle of the stuff for her garden in an old water bottle, then accidentally put it in the fridge instead of the one that had her drinking water in it.

A simple mistake, but she's totally embarrassed about it, because she's over 60 and her kids will use it as evidence to put her in the bin if they find out. It's like the old saying, "only the poor are forbidden to beg." Donald Trump can build his whole empire on borrowed money, but if you or I try to bum a fiver, we're irresponsible. A thirty-year-old can be the worst driver in town, but if an old guy drives the same way, he's headed for the Golden Age Retirement Home, whether he wants to or not.

Give your granny a break, okay?

I see Mr. Blackwell has his list of Worst-Dressed Celebrities for this year. Can't argue with some of his choices, but who is this guy? It's not like he's Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren or anybody with any credibility. I've been hearing his annual put-down party every January my whole life, and I still have never yet seen anybody wearing a Blackwell Original. They keep saying he's a fashion designer, but where are his fashions? I suspect he does stuff for those stores that sell to uptight stuffy matrons like the grandmother on Gilmore Girls. Anyway, here's his list for 2003, with my comments added:

10. Pink: "Out of the blue pops Pink, and I'm seeing red! Cartoon-colored proof that any fashion sanity for her is really dead!"

First, notice that all his comments are rhyming couplets. Why? Is he trying for the "Worst Poet" list? Why not just say that she looks like a hooker and leave it at that?

9. Christina Aguilera: "Her barely there bimbo bombs wouldn't cover a gnat... let's just call her the 'Worst Undressed' and leave it at that!"

She really should be much higher on the list. She's trying too hard to be black, trying too hard to ditch her Disney-kid past, and it all seems forced and phoney.

8. Meg Ryan: "A total fashion wreck... Ryan's all chills and no thrills... looks like a swap-meet fashion queen in Beverly Hills!"

Sounds to me like he wrote the rhyme first and then went looking for somebody to apply it to. Has Meg Ryan even shown up in public in the last year? I haven't heard anything about her since Russell Crowe dumped her, or was it the other way 'round? In any case, why is she on the list?

7. Donatella Versace: "Time to toss the peroxide once and for all... She resembles a flash-fried Venus, stuck in a Miami strip mall!"

Sounds like professional jealousy to me. Besides which, is that sentence even in english?

6. Anne Rice: "Her musty, dusty mausoleum wear redefines 'Queen of the Batcaves' Anne looks like a cross between Queen Victoria and the vampire Lestat!"

Hey, this one doesn't rhyme! You're slipping there, Mr. B.

5. Princess Anne: "Her Royal Dowager Drag is dreary, drab and dour... wake up, Anne, you're getting worse by the hour!"

Blackwell has put just about every member of the Royal Family on his list at one time or another; what's the matter, did a Windsor kill your brother or something?

4. Cameron Diaz: "Looks like she was dressed by a color-blind circus clown... When it comes to fashion, it's chaos when Cameron's back in town!"

A lot of times, it seems that Blackwell is criticizing the costumes that actresses wear in their movies, not their personal fashion choices. If Cameron does a movie this year where she's dressed elegantly and tastefully, she'll be on his best-dressed list. As if she's picking the clothes for the movies. Kind of a cheap shot, if you ask me, which nobody did.

3. Shakira: "Overwrought and underdressed, she always strikes a familiar pose... somebody should tell her those are probably Madonna's old clothes!"

Isn't that the same thing he said about Britney?

2. Kelly Osbourne: "A fright-wigged baby doll, stuck in a Goth prom gown... now we know what happened to Ozzy's hand-me-downs!"

Working too hard on the rhymes again, B. Also pandering to public opinion, but that's what the whole list has always been, right?

1. Anna Nicole Smith: "Anna's fashion follies are the worst of the year... don't bother with a new designer Anna, just hire a structural engineer!"

Yes, Anna is a mess of a human, and her show is a slow-motion train wreck, but really, is he talking about her fashion sense or her weight? I thought we were past the point of mocking people for their physical appearance, especially when they go out of their way to give us so much other material to mock them for, as Ms. Smith has graciously done. Blackwell's just jumping on the bandwagon with this one. Cheap. Very cheap.

Speaking of making fun of people's physical appearance, I saw something so bizarre the other night that it left me giggling on the sofa for half an hour. It was an infomercial. One of the ones that tell you how to make a fortune in real estate. It was hosted by identical twin dwarfs. When did David Lynch start producing infomercials? I don't know why it struck me as funny, but it did. There's just something incredibly surreal and unexpected about it. You're clicking through the channels, and all of a sudden here are two little guys in identical three-piece suits talking about how much money they've made through leveraged buying of condos or some such (I was laughing too hard to hear the actual pitch). They looked like Dr. Meguilito Coyote Loveless from TV's Wild Wild West in a cloning experiment gone awry. So this is what happened when the circus sideshows closed down. Beats working in a pub being thrown across the room for money, I guess.

It's wrong, I know. I just can't help it.

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