Rant-Man's Notebook

By Jim "Rant-Man" MacQuarrie

Thanksgiving 2003 Movie Review

Well, there aren't any transvestite crack-whores on the back porch this year, so that's something to be thankful for. On the other hand, my internet connection is going screwy right now, so I'm fairly annoyed. But it's Thanksgiving.

Anyway, Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the holiday season, and with it the holiday film schedule. The studios release all their big movies around this time, knowing that a lot of people will visit their families for the holidays and will need something to do with the relatives that doesn't involve talking to them, and movies fit the bill perfectly.

One of the unique skills I've developed over time is that of being able to tell from the trailers just how badly a movie will suck out loud. In some extreme cases, I can tell just from the first publicity photos; I knew Star Wars would be huge from the first still, and I also knew Howard the Duck would blow chunks, just from the pictures in the LA Times movie preview section. Call it a gift. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the pitch for a movie and looked forward to seeing it, then caught the first trailer or photo from it and just knew they'd blown it. Josie and the Pussycats comes to mind. It could have been great, but something went horribly wrong and it showed up in the ads.

With that in mind, here is my review of movies I haven't seen, based entirely on the ads, publicity photos and trailers. I could be completely wrong on all of them, but I'll bet I'm not.

The Cat in the Hat. Oy. This could have been fantastic. Sadly, it looks like the Grinch, a movie I loathed and despised, a complete and total betrayal of the source material. Put your hand on the ground. Feel that vibration? A kind of steady hum? That's caused by the late Dr. Suess spinning in his grave. And I'm not even considering the bits I've heard about with the Cat barfing up hairballs.

What's wrong with this movie? Two things. (1) The cat should be computer-animated, instead of being squat little Mike Myers in a fur suit. (2) Mike Myers is completely the wrong person to play this part, even aside from the fact that he's a short, stocky guy playing a tall, thin cat. His personality is all wrong. The bits of dialogue I've heard so far sound like Wayne. From Wayne's World. That guy. Thing is, he sounds like a naughty little boy getting away with something. He's got this mischievous glee thing going on. It's entertaining, but it ain't the Cat. The Cat is cool; he's not getting away with anything, he's doing exactly what he wants and doesn't think there's anything wrong with any of it. Mike Myers pushes the boundaries; the Cat in the Hat has no boundaries and wouldn't acknowledge them if he had them. If it were me, I would have cast Harry Connick Jr as the Cat. Catch his performance in The Iron Giant, or any of the movies he's done. He's always in control, never gets upset, and is totally capable of anything. He would have made a fantastic cat, especially if top animators were allowed to handle the physical parts.

Cheaper by the Dozen. Steve Martin does his version of "Daddy Day Care." Another betrayal of the source material, in this case the book by Frank B. Gilbreth Jr and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey. Cheaper by the Dozen is the true story of Frank Bunker Gilbreth and Lillian Moller Gilbreth, prominent industrial engineers and famous efficiency experts, and their 12 children. Frank Gilbreth was a man who was in total control of his family, who had worked out precise routines for every household task, and had the whole family running like clockwork. The comedy comes from the family finding ways to put up with his fastidious and nearly compulsive behavior. The book, written by two of his children, clearly portrays a good-humored and kind-hearted man who loved his children, had enormous respect for them, but held them (and himself) to a high standard of conduct. He frequently took two or three of his children on business trips to inspect and streamline factories, and sometimes took all twelve, with no behavioral problems at all. His children tell a story about one time when Mrs. Gilbreth went to a lecture engagement and left her husband in charge of the home. When she returned, he explained that everything went perfectly smoothly, except for one boy who had acted up, "but a spanking brought him in line." Mrs. Gilbreth calmly pointed out that the boy in question was not one of theirs; he belonged next door.

This could have been a wonderfully charming movie, with a look somewhat like the film version of Little Women from a few years ago, but much funnier. But typically, instead of having actually read the book (or even seen the original film version), the producers have decided to make up their own story and simply borrow an existing title in hopes of name recognition, and we are once again treated to the tired old cliche of Dad as Nincompoop, the bumbling and ineffectual doofus who can't be trusted with his own kids for more than five minutes without everything devolving into allegedly hilarious chaos the minute mom turns her back. The fact that it features Superboy and Lizzie McGuire as two of the hellions doesn't help things. It feels like the producers are trying to stack the deck. Moving the story from circa 1915 to the present day also robs the movie of much of its originality and charm. Instead of a loving biography of an eccentric father seen through the eyes of his children, we get another out of control idiot being trampled over by his family. The Gilbreth family should sue.

The Haunted Mansion. Eddie Murphy mugging like crazy amidst Disney special effects. Pirates of the Caribbean it ain't. Pity. There's probably a great story in there trying desperately to get out. Ever since Eddie Murphy sold his soul to Satan for Dr. Doolittle (yet another betrayal of the material), he hasn't been worth a slap.

Peter Pan. Now this looks fantastic. Somebody read the book, and actually had the humility to admit that the author might have a good idea or two, and didn't need to have anything "fixed" by the ham-handed screenwriters. As far as I can see from the trailers, this is Peter Pan exactly as Barrie intended him; impulsive, irresponsible, and with a bit of a cruel streak. Jason Isaacs (Lucius Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies) is genuinely menacing as Captain Hook and utterly unrecognizable as Mr. Darling. I hope and pray that this movie lives up to the promise of the trailer. It truly looks to be one of the best fantasy movies ever made, without the synthetic faux-sentimentality of a Spielberg flick. At least I didn't hear any prattle about anybody needing a mommy in this one. And it doesn't have Julia Roberts in it, so that's a plus.

There you have it, my reviews of movies I haven't seen. I hope they were helpful. Happy thanksgiving!

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