Rant-Man's Notebook

By Jim "Rant-Man" MacQuarrie

How Do You Know THAT?

I have a reputation for being a smart guy. Some people think I'm a genius. I can say that without being egotistical, because the fact is, it's a carefully constructed facade. I'm fairly bright, and I know a lot of weird useless crap, but that's not really the same thing as being a genius, is it?

Part of it is the fact that I look smart by comparison, since there are a lot of stupid people out there, but mostly I look smart because I made an effort to look smart at an early age. It was a survival instinct. When I graduated high school, I was 5' 3" tall and looked about 12 years old. When you're that little and have as big a mouth as I did, you'd better have SOMETHING going on or you're dead. My shtick was trivia; I knew all kinds of oddball factoids, the kind of stuff that might get me a spot on Jeopardy, but doesn't have a lot of application in the real world where the rest of you live. Fact is, when I was a kid, I read the encyclopedia for entertainment, and happened to have a pretty good memory, so I was able to retain a bunch of it.

The good memory was something I cultivated as another survival trait. I never did homework. Ever. Partly because doing homework was nearly impossible at my house (I have four brothers, none of whom could shut up if their lives depended on it), but mostly because I am a lazy and easily-distracted lout. I figured out pretty quickly that homework was unnecessary if you play the average: get an "A" on the test, do well in class, and blow off the homework, it comes out to a "C" average. Parents don't complain about a "C," especially if you're not causing any trouble anywhere. The downside of this plan is that you have to be Johnny-on-the-spot in class; know all the answers, raise your hand a lot, be Teacher's Pet. If you're not careful, that can get you killed in the fascist nightmare that is your average American schoolyard.

The trick there is to be prepared for it. If a bunch of large oafish brutes surrounds you (another key to being seen as smart is to have an extensive and interesting vocabulary including words such as "oafish"), you can sometimes dazzle them with your brilliance long enough to get away. True story: I was in maybe sixth grade, around age 11 or so, when I committed the greivous error of entering the bathroom at school. A half-dozen future criminals who had moments prior been smoking in the facilities immediately turned their attention to me. "Hey Professor! Say somethin' smart!"

It's not hard to impress these types. I looked at the leader of the mob and said "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is the longest word in the english language; it has 45 letters and 19 syllables, and is found on page 653 of Webster's Seventh Collegiate Dictionary, 1967 edition. It's a lung disease caused by inhaling quartz or silica dust, common among miners." That seemed to satisfy them, and they decided not to play "John the Baptist" with me. ("John the Baptist," also known as "giving a Swirly," is a game played by morons, in which a victim is hoisted in the air, inverted, and dunked into the toilet head-first. The toilet is then flushed, and the swirling water arranges the victim's hair into a stylish cone shape. Please don't ask how I know this.)

In all fairness, I should acknowledge that I acquired the useful bit of trivia above (the long word, not the Swirly thing) from my brother Fathead, who brought it home from school when he was in the Fifth grade; I merely committed it to memory as one more tidbit to impress the dull-witted. (Yeah, I call my brother "Fathead." It fits. My mom hates it when I call him that, but she'll have to learn to live with disappointment. He's an ass, has always been an ass, will always be an ass; I could either call him "Fathead" or "Ass," and, well, "Fathead" is more socially acceptable. Anyway, Fathead gave me that useful piece of information that saved me from a Baptism; he also encouraged every kid in school to harass me at every opportunity, so we're even. But I digress.)

Another unfortunate downside to the reputation I've created for myself is that people assume I'm the only smart one in the house. Frequently (well, often enough to be noticed) people will call looking for me, seeking an answer to some silly question that has them stumped ("What's the name of the theme music from 'Alfred Hitchcock Presents'?"), and I won't be home, so they'll ask my bride to pass the question on to me. They are invariably shocked when she knows the answer to their question. "How do you know THAT?!??" They'll say. They expect me to know, but they assume she's an idiot.

There was a conversation the other night in which the question of some super-hero's secret identity was raised, and my bride answered the question before I could. The children were surprised; one of them replied "Dad taught you that, didn't he?"

No, I didn't teach her that; I didn't teach her anything. I didn't marry her so I could teach her stuff; I married her because she's smarter than me. She just didn't conduct a sneaky campaign to make everybody think she's smart. She's too smart for that.

Rant-Man's Archives

Send this article to a friend!

Discuss this on the Rant-Man's Notebook Message Board

E-mail Rant-Man.

All rights not expressly granted to others are reserved to Monkey Spit. This product is made by hand. As such, certain irregularities may occur. These irregularities do not in any way diminish the product, and are in fact desirable as evidence of the handmade nature of the product. This product is meant for educational purposes only. No other warranty expressed or implied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Not valid in Minnesota, Vermont, Louisiana or Delaware. Some assembly required. Use only as directed. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. One size fits all. Colors may, in time, fade. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Warranty void if serviced by non-authorized personnel. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. We are also not responsible for the current political situation, daytime television talk shows, the heartbreak of psoriasis or that Urkel kid. As a matter of fact, we are not responsible for much; we¹re pretty irresponsible any way you look at it...but we¹re cheerful, so people put up with us. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles, but an incredible simulation. Don¹t try this at home; these are trained professionals. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Falling rock. Kilroy was here. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Out to lunch. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. May be hazardous to health if consumed in excessive quantities. Not responsible for typographical errors. No returns unless defective. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Some equipment shown is optional. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by consumer. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No dogs or actors allowed. First pull up, then pull down. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous and subsequent notices unless indicated otherwise. All rights reserved.