Rant-Man's Notebook

By Jim "Rant-Man" MacQuarrie

But I Don't Like Spam!

I get a lot of e-mail. Possibly because I have something like six or seven addresses that I'm currently using, plus a couple of neglected ones, I get a lot of spam. Most of it gets deleted without incident, but occasionally I'm surprised by some of it.

There's the one for the herbal supplement that's supposed to produce spectacular results, most of which aren't discussed in polite company. One of the effects it claims to produce is strengthening the "male response" enough to achieve a distance of "up to 13 feet." (If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry about it; you're too young to be reading this anyway.) Reading the ad, you have to wonder: even if this wonder drug could produce the results it promises, who would want it? What possible reason could somebody have for wanting that ability? Are they considering making it an Olympic event or something? Maybe if I was looking for a career as a circus freak...

Delete.

Then there's the one for the steriods. The weird part there was the footnote. The e-mail has a headline that says something like "The Finest Anabolic Pharmaceuticals*" with that asterisk just hanging there.

TANGENT: I know a poem about an asterisk!

Little Suzy donned her skates
Upon the ice to frisk
Wasn't she a silly thing,
Her little *

HAR!
END TANGENT.

Anyway, there's that asterisk on the word pharmaceuticals. I assumed it would refer to some mealy-mouthed weasel-words to try and drag the product almost into the realm of legality. So I scroll down, past the pitch, looking for the footnote. Huh. It says something about how our prayers are with the victims of the terrorist attacks of 9/11, and with the firefighters, police and rescue workers at the scene.

What??? What does that have to do with buying illegal steroids on the internet? Is this bit of feel-good tripe tacked on the end of an ad supposed to make me feel all warm and squishy toward them and not delete their junk mail?

Delete.

Which brings me to the flat-out weird. I have no idea what this one means. Anyone?

From: "your long lost friend"
Subject: A wonderful invitation for you! REALLY

hi we are luke's secret following
we love luke fictitious
we are also your long lost friend
this email has nothing to do with lukes official site
we just wanted to say hi
and have a beautifull day!

So who the heck is Luke? There are no links or URLs listed, and I have NO FLIPPING CLUE who these people are.

Just when you think it can't get any stranger, it must be my week for halfwits.

I have an e-mail address at comicbookresources.com because I contributed a bit to the last overhaul of the site. Naturally I get a certain amount of comics-related e-mail through it from aspiring artists looking for work, advice, or just somebody to look at their stuff. Usually it's no big whoop.

But sometimes... Sometimes it gets irritating. A few days back, I got a half-dozen e-mails from a guy in Florida. "Illustrator 4 Hire!" he shouts. Problem is, he included a JPEG of his samples, about 300k in size. That's irritating. Especially by the sixth one.

Delete.

Delete.

Delete.

Delete.

Delete.

Delete.

Today I get another pile of them from him. So I send him a note:

Okay, you just sent me six large e-mails. A couple of days ago, you did the same thing. I'm about to contact Earthlink and have your account cancelled. If you don't stop spamming me, I will do that.

Now let me tell you something: I sometimes do need to hire illustrators for projects. I will never hire you, simply because of your obnoxious e-mails. I'm sure that many of your other recipients feel the same way I do. You're hurting your business. Stop it.

He replies:

ok jimmy, your removed, now stop crying!

Now, I'm generally a fairly tolerant person (the crowd shouts "when?"), but right this minute I'm mildly irritated. I thought I was firm but reasonably civil, and he's got to come back with attitude. Oy. I forward all his e-mails to the abuse department at Earthlink (his ISP), and send him another note....

You had to be a jerk about it, didn't you?

You're the one in the wrong here. Lose the attitude and start apologizing. I'm forwarding all your spam to Earthlink right now. Say goodbye to your account. Asshole.

He again replies:

ok dumbass, i have more than one lame ass aount besides the earht boys,,,duh" hey, guess what? im a grade A hacker, so guess who will get fried before the the week is out!..ASSHOLE!

Remember the old Bugs Bunny cartoons? Bugs would be trying to go peacefully about his business, and some jerk would come along and interfere with him. He'd try to politely but firmly get the jerk to go away, until about the third go-round, when he'd say "of course you realize, this means war." From that point on, the policy was scorched earth and no prisoners. I'm at that point now with this guy.

But I'm also amused. See, this moron evidently forgot that he had included his name, address and phone number in his first dozen spams.

So I send him another note:

That's a threat.

I'm on the phone right now with the Jacksonville Sheriff's department. Good luck.

There's a long and curious silence from his side of the internet. I think the realization that he blew it is dawning on the guy. Meanwhile, I got confirmation from Earthlink that he's under investigation by their abuse department for his spam.

I called the Jacksonville Sheriff's Department. they told me I have to report it to my local police department, so they can send an officer over to look at the e-mail and make sure it's real. I'm not too keen on blowing the taxpayers' money just to screw with this guy, so I sent him another note:

The Jacksonville Sheriff told me that I have to report you to my local police, so they can send an officer out to see the threatening e-mail in person. I can do that.

It's up to you. A really sincere apology or a visit from the police. Your choice.

So far no reply. Stupid asswipe.

I got a note back from Earthlink informing me that they've reminded this user about the terms of his agreement with them and I shouldn't have any more trouble from him. We'll see.

In the meantime, if you need an illustrator, I recommend that you avoid Shaun Antonio Ward of Jacksonville, FL. He seems unstable, and certainly has bad manners. Plus his work isn't that good; yet another Liefeld swipe artist.

As if we need another of those.

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