Rant-Man's Notebook

By Jim "Rant-Man" MacQuarrie

Vegas in Daylight

I was in Vegas for the annual World Archery Festival, one of the big events of the sport. Unfortunately, the show is heavily slanted toward bowhunters and compound shooters, so there was very little for those of us who shoot Olympic style recurve. (Don't worry, I'm not going to launch into a detailed explanation of the difference; that's why God gave you Google.) We drove in on Saturday morning, the wife and I. It was our first weekend away from the no-neck monsters in about six years, so we were determined to enjoy it. We cranked up the tunes (Rat Pack, mostly) and sped across the desert. A few miles outside of town, we saw a billboard that pretty much set the tone: "Seven Deadly Sins, One Convenient Location!" They ought to adopt it as the city's motto.

Anyway, the archery show was at the Riviera, which is toward the north end of the Strip, on the unfashionable end, where the casinos are older and not so cartoonish. No pirate shows or faux-volcanos there, but it's closer to the Vegas that made Vegas. The Stardust is across the street. A couple of miles further down the road are all those overblown "Disney on crack" theme resorts, decked out to look like pyramids or transplanted cities with the charm removed. That end of the strip is what Holden Caulfield would call a bunch of frauds and phoneys.

The thing is, I just don't get Vegas. I hear you: "So what's not to get?" Well, I get the appeal of gambling (I turned 15 cents into $18 at the nickel slots), and I get the appeal of half-naked bimbos shaking their maracas, but I don't get Vegas. For all that stuff, there's this aura that hangs over the strip. There's a crass, corporate commercialism that oozes from each casino and runs like a river of sludge down the center of the strip. Maybe it's the explosion of stores selling corporate-logo tchotchkes on every corner. Maybe it's the way they try to make sleaze respectable, promoting fine art exhibits and making the hotels look like tasteful renaissance buildings. Maybe it's the brazen phoniness of the whole place. Where hotels once had "themes" they now have elaborate simulations. The old hotels had themes drawn from the surroundings-- the Frontier, El Rancho, and others evoked the West; the Dunes, Sands, Sahara, and Desert Inn played off the desert environment; the Mint and Caesar's Palace emphasized the idea of winning riches and living the hedonistic life respectively. What's the rationale behind recreating New York or Paris, but with a roller coaster stuck in the middle of the skyline? Making a buck, obviously.

And thereby hangs the tale. As my brother said, I liked it better when the Mob still ran it. They didn't pretend it was a "family-friendly resort." They also understood that fast nickels are better than slow dimes. They knew that if they gave the customers a really good price on food, entertainment and lodging, the customers would happily lose their shirts at the slot machines and card tables, and would go away thinking they got a good deal, and would come back. The accountants and MBAs that are running the place now don't get that. Everything has to be a profit center. The place reminds me of Disney. There is a grim determination to fleece the customers by any way possible, and it leaves a stench in the air.

Then there's the whole issue of the roller coasters wrapped around every third building. Why? All part of the attempt to package the place as something it's not, a fun place to take your family. No. Sorry. Fun, family-friendly vacation spots do not have the whores (excuse me, "exotic dancers" who come to your room) advertising on the billboards and littering the streets with their pictures. The Excalibur looks like Sleeping Beauty's castle, and has happy knights and wizards roaming the halls greeting the kids. They also have the "Thunder from Down Under" exotic male revue playing there.

In fact, just about every hotel has an "all-adult revue" or an "erotic adventure" or a "celebration of the artistry of the nude" in their showrooms. Another example of them trying to soft-pedal the place and make it sound more respectable than it is. If you drive a couple of miles north into the real "Downtown Fabulous Las Vegas" (land of drive-thru wedding chapels), you'll see a bunch of places that tell it like it is. They don't offer "an erotic adventure." They offer strippers. Live nude girls. No candy-coated pretensions to art or sophistication. The strip could use a little of that honesty.

Now, it's easy to be superior and critical, but that's not much fun, and what's the point of being in Vegas if you're not going to have fun, right? So, what's fun?

What's fun is simply observing the ongoing human comedy. For instance, the people posing for photos with a statue of an M&M. Why? Do people really buy all that junk, like the $750 M&M table? Apparently they do, otherwise it wouldn't be for sale. Go figure. We spent a lot of Saturday evening and Sunday morning just watching people and pointing out absurdities to each other.

Example: "The Riv" has a female empersonator revue playing, called La Cage. I've scanned the ad, since I know nobody will believe it otherwise. Take a look...

Yep. The men of the La Cage perform dead-on impersonations of famous women: Joan Rivers, Bette Midler, Cher, Liza Minelli....and Michael Jackson. Then again, when I see a female impersonator doing Joan Rivers, my first reaction is "isn't that redundant?"

In another showroom, the Riviera features a Mr. Jay White, "America's Favorite Neil Diamond Tribute." There's more than one? Okay, help me out here... is it so hard to see Neil Diamond that anybody would have to settle for an impersonator? I mean, I can almost make sense out of the billions of Elvis impersonators; he's dead, so nobody can see him anymore (though I hear Priscilla and the Presley family are planning to dig him up and take him on tour; "He May Be Dead, But He's Elvis!"), but Neil Diamond is still kicking, still performing, still recording. If you want to see Neil Diamond, see Neil Diamond. it's not that difficult. Why do we need impersonators? Just another thing I'll never understand, I guess.

We didn't actually go to any of the shows, since they're all so ridiculously overpriced now. I would have liked to find some little lounge somewhere with cheap drinks and a guy at a microphone belting out "That Old Black Magic" or "Mack the Knife," but I didn't know where to look, so we had to content ourselves with the mythical Vegas, brought to life through the stereo speakers as we drove home through the desert, with Ella Fitzgerald belting out the best of Cole Porter, Rodgers & Hart and Irving Berlin.

There are certain phrases that totally capture an idea and express it so fully that no further explanation is necessary. "Trailer park" is one. "Goldfish memory" is another (we covered that recently; a goldfish has a memory span of about six seconds). This weekend I coined another one: Vegas in daylight. At night, Las Vegas is a riotous splash of neon and flashing lights, giant video screens promoting the acts at all the big hotels; by daylight it's tawdry and seedy. For me, though, the relentless moneygrubbing of the town has jaded me to the point that even at night it looks like "Vegas in daylight."

As a state of mind, Vegas is where it's at. The "real" Vegas can't compare. I'll take Ella's Vegas, thanks.

Rant-Man's Archives

Send this article to a friend!

Discuss this on the Rant-Man's Notebook Message Board

E-mail Rant-Man.

All rights not expressly granted to others are reserved to Monkey Spit. This product is made by hand. As such, certain irregularities may occur. These irregularities do not in any way diminish the product, and are in fact desirable as evidence of the handmade nature of the product. This product is meant for educational purposes only. No other warranty expressed or implied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Not valid in Minnesota, Vermont, Louisiana or Delaware. Some assembly required. Use only as directed. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. One size fits all. Colors may, in time, fade. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Warranty void if serviced by non-authorized personnel. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. We are also not responsible for the current political situation, daytime television talk shows, the heartbreak of psoriasis or that Urkel kid. As a matter of fact, we are not responsible for much; we¹re pretty irresponsible any way you look at it...but we¹re cheerful, so people put up with us. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles, but an incredible simulation. Don¹t try this at home; these are trained professionals. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Falling rock. Kilroy was here. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Out to lunch. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. May be hazardous to health if consumed in excessive quantities. Not responsible for typographical errors. No returns unless defective. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Some equipment shown is optional. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by consumer. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No dogs or actors allowed. First pull up, then pull down. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous and subsequent notices unless indicated otherwise. All rights reserved.