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What is Alcoholics Unanimous?
Alcoholics Unanimous is an international fellowship of men and women who have had a drinking problem. It is nonprofessional, self-supporting, nondenominational, multiracial, apolitical, and available on almost every college campus. There are no age or education requirements, but if you know any hot girls, we want you to join! Membership is open to anyone who wants to do something about his or her drinking problem, and needs somebody to help manage it.
How Does AU Work?
A.U. is a very simple program based on one premise: The leading indicator of having a drinking problem is when you start drinking alone.

With that in mind, we created A.U. If you are alone and you want a drink, you call your A.U. Sponsor, and he will make sure that somebody comes over to drink with you. Pounding back a few with your A.U. brethren is "social drinking," something that's widely approved of, and certainly not an indication of alcoholism.

What Does AU Do?
1. A.U. members share their experience with anyone seeking help with a drinking problem, specifically the problem of not having anyone to drink with; they give person-to-person service or "sponsorship" to the alcoholic coming to A.U. from any source.

2. The A.U. program, set forth in our Twelve Steps, offers the alcoholic a way to develop a satisfying life.

3. This program is discussed at A.U. group meetings.

  • Open speaker meetings—open to alcoholics and nonalcoholics. (Attendance at an open A.U. meeting is the best way to learn what A.U. is, what it does, and what it does not do. Plus you might get to judge a wet t-shirt contest!) At speaker meetings, A.U. members "tell their stories." They describe their experiences with alcohol, how they came to A.U., and how their lives have changed as a result of A.U. They also tell about the incredible stunts they tried while intoxicated, the people they scored with, and any awesome parties at which they were arrested. Then they chug a fifth of vodka while the other attendees chant "stoli! stoli!"
  • Open discussion meetings—one member speaks briefly about his or her drinking experience, and then leads a discussion on A.U. recovery or any drinking-related problem anyone brings up, such as what to do when you need to worship at the Porcelain Altar and your room-mate is locked in the john with two cheerleaders and a can of Redi-Whip.
  • Closed discussion meetings—conducted just as open discussions are, but for alcoholics or prospective A.U.s only. (Closed meetings are for A.U.s and potential members only. And hot women. And anyone who's buying.)
  • Step meetings (usually closed)—discussion of one of the Twelve Steps. Usually Step 11. (See below.)

CONCLUSION

The primary purpose of A.U. is to carry our message of recovery to the alcoholic seeking help. Almost every alcoholism treatment tries to help the alcoholic maintain sobriety. Ours doesn't. We aim to help the party animal maintain during working or school hours, Monday through Friday, and then provide a loyal and supportive group to provide companionship during the prime party hours, Friday afternoon to Sunday morning. Together, we can do what none of us could accomplish alone--getting the police car up the stairs to the roof.

We can serve as a source of personal experience and be an ongoing support system for big drinkers who need a big crew.

What Does AU NOT Do?
A.U. does not:

1. Furnish the booze; we're strictly a BYOB organization

2. Solicit members or female accompaniment for members

3. Engage in or sponsor research, other than developing new drinking games

4. Keep attendance records or case histories, except for the really awesome stories, like the time Craig got totally ripped and jumped into the pool from the third floor balcony!

5. Follow up or try to control its members, put up bail for them, or provide any other assistance, except for the occasional lie to cover for them

6. Make medical or psychological diagnoses or prognoses

7. Provide drying-out or nursing services, hospitalization, drugs, or any medical or psychiatric treatment

9. Offer religious services

10. Engage in education about alcohol, other than to tell you not to mix hard liquor with wine, and to warn you that rum gives the worst hangover

11. Provide housing, food, clothing, jobs, money, or any other welfare or social services, except for a place to crash until Monday

12. Provide domestic or vocational counseling

What is an AU meeting like?
Here is an actual transcript of an AU meeting:

Welcome fellow brothers! The weekly meeting of Alcoholics Unanimous is now in full swing. I'd like to take a moment to explain the purpose and rules of this fine organization for all our new members and guests we have in attendance this evening.

Alcoholics Unanimous is a collection of like-minded individuals, who believe in helping each other in their time of need. Alcohol is a tricky devil, and can ruin the lives of many people. We at Alcoholics Unanimous are here to help! Our weekly meetings will help you moderate and limit your drinking, allowing you to lead a normal life for the following week. Our meetings consist of sharing stories, dancing, contests, and various drinking games.

Our fellowship has a twelve step program of personal recovery, which describes the experience of our earliest members. I will now list them for the new among us, and for those who have forgotten them from last week. I'm looking at you Marcus!

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable. Seven days of drunken craziness was not a good way to live.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Phi Delta Delta, Alcoholics Unanimous' sponsor, had brought focus to our partying ways, giving us a clarity never felt before.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the frat. Phi Delta Delta for life!

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, not including anything that happened more than three weeks back.

5. Admitted to the frat, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. If said human being was female, and led to some fine nooky, double points were awarded.

6. Were entirely ready to have the frat remove all these defects of character. Strict hazing guidelines were respected for such activities.

7. Humbly asked the frat to remove our shortcomings, and replace them with new ones that encourage blind devotion to the brotherhood.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. This of course did not include locker stuffings from high school, but did include those whose shoes we had puked upon.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so was overly embarrassing or inconvenient.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly place the blame somewhere else.

11. Sought through parties and skirt chasing to improve our conscious contact with the frat, and all frat activities.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Welcome everyone, and may our fellowship of drinkers allow you to lead a sober life all week, in the hopes of getting utterly plastered on the weekend!

We will now commence our weekly meeting with the ceremonial passing of the beer bong!

Photos of an A.U. Meeting in progress:
Alcoholics Unanimous is a fictitious work of humor. Any resemblance to any actual person or organization is entirely coincidental, or for parodic purposes and protected by U.S. federal law. All photos have been chosen for humorous purposes, and the site does not necessarily reflect the views of the people shown in them. The photos were collected from various sites on the internet and are assumed to be in the public domain. If you have a problem with any of the content of this page, please check your sense of humor first, and if you still have a problem, send an e-mail to sotw@monkeyspit.net and we'll work it out, okay? Let's leave the lawyers out of this.

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