Pains in the Ass

How many times have you been frustrated by your inability to enlist the members of your community in a righteous cause? You KNOW that people would care if you could only get them interested... not to mention the toll such things take on YOUR valuable time! Organizing a grass-roots effort takes precious time away from other important things as well -- home, family, your well-deserved leisure, your mistress. The golf game suffers and pretty soon the boys at the club are forgetting your name.

Well, those days are over! Protest trechnology has taken its first step into the new millennium -- with PitA!

What is PitA?
PitA (Pains in the Ass) is a freelance protest group. We have no agenda of our own, no cause to promote. Our deepest convictions are for hire. We'll march for the highest bidder, regardless of how repellent or unpopular the cause may be. If you have the cash, you can have a protest march, sit-in, non-violent demonstration, or full-blown riot. Put our crack team of anarchists, vandals, hippie chicks, unwashed rebels and inept puppeteers to work for YOU! As long as the check clears (we do not accept the Euro), we'll go to jail for your issue. Legal costs not included in base price.

Imagine your organization staging
a demonstration like this one!

It can be done...for a lot less
than you'd expect!

Can I join?
No. But you can be hired. We're building a database of potential protestors to better serve our clients. If you have a problem with authority, and would like to get paid to scream in the streets, please e-mail us with a brief description of your experience in civil disobedience, if any (we will train: all new employees must be able to complete our two-week training seminar. Includes valuable information on cursing, spitting, and brick-throwing. Special guest lecturer Jackson Browne!) Photos are helpful but not necessary. Previous on-the-road experience with similar endeavors (following the Grateful Dead, for example) always a plus. An acquaintanceship with the Reverend Jesse Jackson is helpful, unless he's the father of your child. Please specify any issues or causes you would decline to protest in your e-mail.

A successful campaign for the National Unsolicited E-Mail Protection Association. Here are PitA's trained professionals fighting the good fight on behalf of shady investments, herbal aphrodesiacs, penis enlargers, and annoying high-school reunion sites. Yes, we will even turn out in favor of spammers...if the money's there!

Can I hire you?
Sure. Call or e-mail and let us know the date and nature of the event, and our staff of social mercenaries will contact you with a price quote.

For example, six protestors in favor of your cause would cost only $450 for a half-day campaign, picket signs included. If you needed another six protestors to protest against it, we would include them for $250, making a total outlay of $700 for your personal melee of non-conformity. Now, if you wanted the dozen protestors to engage in a street brawl, there would be a surcharge of $100 for wardrobe and first aid. Other quotes and scenarios are available on request. Be sure to ask about our special cop-baiting and media-suckup package deals. We may not care about your cause, but we care about you!

Contact Us Today!

Vegetarians Against Lima Beans protest, October 17, 2001. Among the slogans crafted by our team: "Lima lovers are losers!" "Limas kill babies!" "Limas: The bad bean." Let us work our magic for YOU!

PitA is a fictitious work of humor. Any resemblance to any actual person or organization is entirely coincidental, or for parodic purposes and protected by U.S. federal law. All photos have been doctored for humorous purposes, and the signs shown do not necessarily reflect the views of the people shown carrying them. The photos were collected from various sites on the internet and are assumed to be in the public domain. If you have a problem with any of the content of this page, please check your sense of humor first, and if you still have a problem, send an e-mail to and we'll work it out, okay? Let's leave the lawyers out of this.

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