Scooby-Doo
This movie is horrible. The show that it is based on is horrible, and anyone who enjoys it is twisted. The thought of a dog that talks! I can not even explain to you how bad that creeps me out. It makes a person start thinking, "what if dogs really can talk, and just don't let on." Because you know your dog has seen you naked, and if he really can talk, the first thing he is going to do when you leave is go talk to all his dog friends about your little "condition." Even though you have seen the doctor and he says that it will be fine eventually, your dog doesn't know this. He doesn't know this because you don't tell him, because you don't know that he understands ENGLISH! If you knew this, you would explain to him that lots of humans get this "condition" and it doesn't mean that you are an evil and dirty person. But nooooo. Your dog and his buddies will have hours of fun secretly discussing it, and then acting all happy when you come home again, while secretly knowing. He will look at you with those puppy dog eyes, and what you think is a look of love and loyalty, is really a look that is mocking you with his secret knowledge.

I have never trusted dogs. Every time I see one, it gives me flashbacks to my recurring nightmare. It always starts with me going to the grocery store. When I walk in the door, instead of people walking up and down the aisles, stocking shelves, and happily checking customer's items, they are all dogs. Not dogs like you see on the street, but dogs the size of people, wearing people's clothes and standing upright. These aren't just random dogs either, they all looked like a giant version of my dog "Boss Hogg" that I had when I was eight. It is so hideous. That isn't even the most horrendous part! So, I try to be inconspicuous (which is hard in a store full of dog-people). When I get to the shelves to start filling my cart all that is there, is....well.....poop. It is packaged just like regular products, but everything contains some form of poo. Macaroni and Poop, Campbell's Poop, the only Top Ramen flavor they have is Oriental Poop! I scream "THIS IS DISGUSTING, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS HAPPENING!!!" The dogs then start gathering around in a very menacing fashion, and one of them says (in the voice of Mr. Rodgers), "Well, Jeffrey now you understand how I felt all those years. Do you really think I liked eating my own poop? That doesn't make much sense does it Jeffrey? I ate it because you used to lace my dog food with Comet and maple syrup. It made you laugh and laugh when I would throw up wouldn't it? Now you will pay for eternity...Jeffrey!" They start getting closer and closer and that is when I wake up.

So, you sick bastards who have the twisted fascination with a talking dog, you go see this movie. For the rest of us, who like to focus on something a little more down to earth and less dangerous...we will stick with "The Sum of All Fears" and "The Bourne Identity" because despite their faults as movies, the dreams I have about Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, are never bad ones.


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