In response to the demands of our ever more trademark-driven society, we have created our own licensing agency to regulate and protect our valuable intellectual properties: VATICOM.
Vaticom will administer all uses of Christian imagery, and will police enforcement of our newly-acquired trademarks.
PRESS RELEASE
April 8, 2002
Vaticom, Christianity's public relations and marketing task force, is branching out in new and exciting ways to bring God's Word to the flock!
We at Vaticom are proud to present a new marketing campaign, which will put the love of Jesus in each and every consumer on the planet Earth! Through a varied mix of unique licensing opportunities, we are confidant that God's message to the masses will be heard. When our Savior finally returns, everyone will know his name, and we will have heaven on earth!
Some of the products and companies we have licensed recently:
Start your day out right with the breakfast Jesus himself would eat. Filled with yummy marshmallow fishes, and wholesome oat grain loaves, Loaves 'n Fishes cereal is the breakfast that lasts the whole day long.
When you've incurred God's wrath, and your home's been ruined by flood damage, Noah's Ark is here for you. With a little help from the Ark, you and your family will be afloat in no time, and able to weather the storms ahead.
Lot's Wife Salt and Pepper Shakers
For those times you need a little spice added to your life, these fine porcelain shakers are just the thing! Included in the set is Lot as pepper and his Wife as the salt.
Garden of Eden Sunscreen
Do you long for that full body tan, but are afraid of the sun's harmful rays? Worry no more! Every drop of Eden sunscreen contains protection by God himself! Perfect for those who like to tan in the nude.
Star of Bethlehem Compass
You'll never lose your way with this finely polished, fully functional compass. Whether you're searching for Christ, or the way back to the freeway, you'll never be in doubt again.
Jonah and the Whale Tackle Boxes
You're set to catch the big one with this handy item. Filled with compartments for all your fishing gear, you'll always have faith that the perfect lure is right at your fingertips.
Judas Surveillance System
Do you have that nagging feeling that someone is betraying your trust? Afraid someone is going to walk off with the silver? With the Judas system, nobody gets away for free! Special pricing is available for the full 30 piece set.
Leper Lotion
Tired of having rough, scaly skin? Do you feel like people avoid you because of your appearance? Your problems are solved with Leper Lotion! Industrious micro beads penetrate your skin, leaving you looking healthy, happy and heavenly.
Pope on a Rope
Do you ever have that not so clean feeling? Whether you've just done two hours at the gym, or just robbed a bank, Pope on a Rope is there for you. This handcrafted soap, with handy rope attachment, and detailed likeness of His Holiness, will cleanse your body and your soul.
Tree of Knowledge Magic Apple
Always hard up for the answers to life's most intriguing questions? All your questions are answered with the Magic Apple. Simply ask the apple a question, give it a shake, turn it over, and the truth will be revealed!
Jesus and His Disciples Collector Cups
That's right, for a limited time, you can get all your favorites! There's Simon Peter, James, John, Judas the bad boy, Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James (the shy one), Thaddeus, and who could forget Simon! And available in Super Savior Size is Jesus Christ! Collect all thirteen for use during your next big supper!
Bask in the shadow of Christ with these elegantly woven towels. Made to last forever, these perfect beach items make a bold statement whether you're on the beach or at the local pool. Jesus has got your back when it comes to wet summer fun.
Sleep like the dead in these comfy, custom made beds. After a long night of eternal slumber, you'll feel resurrected and full of life!
Burning Bush Charcoal Briquettes
Feel the power of God as these wondrous briquettes light up on the first try. Available in ten commanding smoke flavors. Your friends will follow you to the ends of the earth for a taste of your barbecue delights!
Water Into Wine Instant Drink Mix
Stuck with just plain old water on your boring camping trip? Liven things up with this delightful miracle of flavor! Just pour a single packet of Water Into Wine into your canteen, and you'll be drinking your cares away in no time!
Adam's Rib and Steakhouse
Our newest franchise venture! At Adam's Rib and Steakhouse, you'll eat like a king of Heaven, in a wholesome, friendly environment fit for the whole family. And don't forget, every Friday is ladies night!
God, Jesus Christ, the fish symbol and cross are trademarks of the Church, administered by Vaticom. For usage restrictions, please contact Vaticom at vaticom@monkeyspit.net.