By Don Kidd

Florida To Tax Ass-Wiping

Florida lawmakers will hit where it hurts, by adding a 2 cents tax per roll on toilet paper. The Democrats have shrugged off the scatological jokes, being somewhat used to them anyway, and insisted the issue is a serious one, especially in the Panhandle part of the state where sewage systems need upgrading.

"Panhandle will take on a new meaning when poor citizens have to beg on street corners for toilet paper money," advised representatives for the "Save Our Asses" Commission, who are protesting the bill. "There'll be no more throwing away the paper bag after drinking a bottle of hooch. It'll be saved for toilet paper. The same for old newspapers, there'll be a lot of folks with smeared ink on their behinds."

"Already I've seen 'Will work to flush' signs," admitted Tom 'Courtesy Flush' Lee, Senate President. "The whole thing stinks if you ask me." "Two cents is not going to hurt anybody at all," bill sponsor Democrat Al 'Two-Ply' Lawson swiped. "This is one thing people don't mind paying for, even though they didn't have to before."

"Sure, an average family of four can give up some cable TV channels to pay for their wanton flushing habits, but what about a family of twenty-five migrant workers living in a two-bedroom house? Do we want a crime increase due to toilet paper theft? If you've got to go bad enough and don't have that money for a roll because payday is still three days off, what are you going to do? You're going to be looking longingly at a neighbor's frosted bathroom window, that's what."

"We intend to get a handle on this," SAO spokesman, Todd 'Squeeze My Charmin' Jacobs vowed. "If the bill does go through we will be distributing helpful toilet-paper-stretching hint brochures. The thought of drying out a used piece and later reusing the other side is one tip, albeit a disgusting one. Staging 'No-Wiping' protests is another suggestion, but we'll save that one for a last resort, I think."

"The state capitol is already changing the toilet paper dispensers in our public bathrooms to coin-operated models. You best be sure you've got some change on you next time you buy that oversized muffin for breakfast," Lawson warned.

Some pundits question the affect on the state's population influx. "If it comes down to financial considerations, are people going to want to spend a couple hundred dollars a year to wipe their butts when they can go to a "free-wipe' state?" asked Governor Jeb Bush. "I can see a lot of folks lining up on both sides of the tissue, I mean, issue."

Republicans may soon be lining up to fight the bill. "Democrats, as a rule, are more anal-retentive and thus use the toilet less than Republicans, so it's easier for them financially," advised Lee. "It's a sad day for Floridians, that's all I can say."

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