By Don Kidd

LA Plans to Curb Flashlight Beatings

The Los Angeles Police Department is revising procedures in order to justify just how and when an officer may beat someone senseless with a heavy metal flashlight.

Months after a televised beating in which Officer John Hatfield McCoy struck a motorist 11 times, the proposal attempts to address concerns of other motorists who do not want a similar fate. "I remember when cops had real weapons and didn't have to resort to beatings with flashlights. What happened to the days when they could just shoot a suspect when they felt like it?" asked Harley Gooiest, an LA motorist.

"Officers don't mind being held accountable as long as they have a clear policy to follow. That policy will limit the number of flashlight blows to a maximum of ten. After that they are to use a night stick, or simply open fire with their service revolvers," explained Alan Stinkpin, vice president of the Committee for Civic Improvement. "No one likes cleaning up dried brains off the sidewalk the next day after a good flashlight beating. That's why were looking into some small, lightweight models with rubber handles. The rubber will help lessen the 'arm fatigue' that sets in after the officers have been clubbing motorists. That's how carpal tunnel starts, you know, repetitive motions such as the strain on the wrist when a patrolman puts a little flick in his wrist to get that extra bit of 'oomph' in his blow. It's all in the wrist."

The new proposals continue to allow officers to strike with their flashlights as long as the strikees are "hardened and dangerous criminals." Jaywalkers and anyone in a motor vehicle would fall under this description.

Bob Barker, president of the Police Malevolent Society whipped, "Police are humans just like some of you out there who crawl on all fours and howl at the moon. With all the motorists crowded on our freeways the question of a few fractured skulls seems to be frivolous."

ACLUless spokesmodel Ricky Robaxin said the proposal, "was a good start, but is basically a useless appendage to a corrupt, fetid body that is the LAPD."

Robaxin relaxed noticeably before continuing, "I'd like to see them move away from beating people just because they are a little slow getting their driver's licenses out of their wallets. Sure a lot of cops are in a hurry to get back to the doughnut shop so they can score with some cute high school girl about to get off work, but does that justify the kind of beating where the officer gets tired and has to switch hands, mid-beating? That is just the kinky kind of sexless issue the ACLUless should be addressing, but isn't."

"What we at the Police Malevolent Society do not want to see, is our officers having to stop during a good beating because their flashlights can't hold the mustard. That's we're proposing our metal flashlights are reinforced with even more metal, just in case."

"This issue of flashlight beatings, such as the one with Officer Hatfield McCoy, is dividing the public and the police department. It is almost as if a feud has developed between two families, one with flashlights as lethal force weapons, and one with inviting, easily-impressed skulls, but no flashlights," Stinkpin pummeled. "We'd like to see video cameras banned from places where police may be using unnecessary force on motorists. It's quite embarrassing to have these amateur videos show up on TV."

LAPD Chief William 'Laughing Eagle' Bratton orgasmed, "With the leftover metal the Army was supposed to be using to protect our troops in Iraqistan, we can fully reinforce the officers' arsenal of head-denting weapons. Imagine a 15-pound flashlight instead of a 5-pounder. You won't need 11 blows to subdue a dangerous Sunday driver. I'd say 3 or 4 at the most, and that's an added time and money saver to the citizens, at least the skull-intact ones, of the city of Los Angeles."

"And as far as these rubber handled ones, you can forget those. The long metal handles on the current models can be easily notched with small skull-and-crossbones. That's how the officers keep track of their 'kills.' I don' think it's right we take that away from them."

The CDC was unavailable for comment.

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