By Don Kidd

Harvard Wants To Clone Something

Scientists at Harvard University are seeking permission from anyone who will listen to clone something, and they aren't particularly picky about what.

"Humans, cows, sheep, it doesn't matter much to us," blasphemed senior researchers Iebe Frank and Ube Stein, "as long as we can create life in some form or other. Making new human-like creatures, perhaps an entire alternate race of beings, will help us cure disease. Imagine if we can create a race of supermen, or Ubermensch, and a New World order."

"These young biologists," chuckled Sen. John Kerry, who supports stem cell research and the creation of an 'Overman' class of voters, "used to have nothing better to do than cut up fecal pigs, but now look at them- running around their labs with thoughts of world domination in their pointy little heads."

So far, only South Korea and Britain have conducted any meaningful research on stem cells. The North Koreans have reportedly failed in their attempts to clone food, succeeding only in creating a cold porridge-like material which tastes no better than the average American school cafeteria lunch. They have succeeded in placing stem cells in nuclear weapons.

"Creating nuclear weapons, with or without human stem cell 'brains' is North Korea's ultimate goal. In this way we might threaten the United States into bowing to our demands, one of which is to send us tasty school cafeteria-style lunches so we might lower our high starvation rate. Only can we meet this goal by diverting funds from feeding our people. This is the only thing America understands, except for making high-grade computer chips, which we also lack. These are not edible either. North Korea's message to the United States is 'super-size me,'" explained Hemp N. Gourd, North Korean Senior Party Member.

Embryonic stem cells are master cells that can form into any tissue in the body. "Master cells can form master beings, if one can extrapolate," frothed Frank and Stein.

President Bush has severely limited federal help to all but existing stem cell research, fearing the creation of the Ubermensch voting class until after the November 2004 elections. "After that, it's Arnold's problem," Bush embalmed, reefering to the possibility of Arnold Schwarzenegger's hopes for becoming the first U.S. non-English speaking president.

"The university is considering all the ethical issues of these delicate researches very carefully. While 'extremely careful' might be an exaggeration, I would say 'very careful' is a quite accurate about the level of carefulness we are using," mosaiced Dr. Seal Meet Hymen. "None of the proposed experiments will attempt to produce a human clone. We have coined and copyrighted the term "Overmen" to name whatever walks or crawls out of our Harvard research labs. But whatever comes out, it will not be 'human.' We also plan to copyright the term 'Harvarding,' which will be used in the place of 'harvesting,' and it must be capitalized, we will require this by law."

Harvarding stem cells from embryos kills them, just as Harvarding hearts and livers from living humans kills them. Some say taking live, functioning organs from people still in need of them is tantamount to killing, a point debated by biologists. "This same, tired thinking has foiled the creation of Overmen classes before. Only by the struggle of the working class can true human domination and enslavering of the mind be accomplished, thus freeing man for loftier, mint-julepy type goals, such as mental telepathy expansion and the programming of VCR's."

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