By Don Kidd

Kerry Supporters Deal With Disappointment

The shock of betting on the losing horse has hit supporters of John Kerry "like a pie in the face, but a pie full of steel fragments and shards of glass," according to Johnny 'Cobbler' Lakeprune.

We've seen similar reactions among many people actually," snorted Harvard psychologist Daniel Giltybert. "Most will feel like they've been kicked in the stomach by a steel-toed hoof. Some will have nausea and mange for a period of weeks. Some will try to crawl up their mother's womb for a return to a more sheltered life away from reality and bipartisan politics."

"We've seen reactions like these before: the Milli Vanilli Grammy fiasco, the premiere of 'She's The Boss,' the Red Sox winning the Series this year," trotted Giltybert. "The same people who heard voices saying, 'vote for Kerry,' will be hearing 'I'm in love with my toaster,' and 'I don't really mind paying $2.20 a gallon for gas to the Saudis.'"

"My patients were very depressed, angry, fearing for the safety of their stock holdings in Merck Co. Inc.," hedged Sherman Thoroughbred, a stock psychoanalyst in Manhattan. "The potential senseless deaths of 28,000 people in four years from a drug which should have been removed from the market is far less frightening than the loss of a liberal Democrat political candidate for president."

"People thought the world would change because a politician, who gets votes by basically telling people fairy tales, made them believe in something. I've seen this cycle repeat every four years. Folks get pumped up, then they see reality coming toward them like a herd of spooked horses. Of course, they're going to shit themselves," vacated Jaime Darwinism. "All my patients came in whining about the election. If I wouldn't have been half smashed I would have blown my brains out by the end of the day."

Giltybert offered some hope for the bereaved, "You folks out there will get over the feelings of incapacitating pain and shocking horror in less than a year, when you can go back to your old meaningless, monotonous existences, secure in knowing that another election is only a few years away and you can repeat the whole pathetic cycle once again."

"Temporary blindness, cravings for pencil shavings, exploding diarrhea, desire to cross-dress; these are all symptoms of Kerry Blues," explained Charles Goodlay, who runs a hotdog stand in Central Park.

So when is it time to talk to somebody? "When you start believing what a politician tells you, then it's time to seek help from a qualified health professional, like an exterminator or a tea leaf reader," advised Goodlay. "Also try one of my chili dogs. If you're going to have exploding diarrhea, why not get it from eating something delicious and spicy?"

"I'll never get involved in politics again," boasted Onion Kennedy, of Topeka, Kansas. "Cooking Crystal Meth in my barn is much less dangerous and more profitable, too."

Darwinism and other mental health experts said they weren't getting any new patients due to Kerry's loss because, "people blew their life savings giving to Kerry and can't afford $150 an hour right now."

"There has been an increased in visits to the dentists the last few days," related Darwinism. "I see this as a sort of self-inflicted punishment for believing in something they had no right to in the first place. What better punishment than a painful jaw workout or a root canal."

The CDC, which monitors prescription drug use and abuse across the nation issued a statement, "Although we took years to realize what HIV was and were hopelessly lost in the whole Anthrax thing, and have no idea what to do about the flu vaccine shortage, we do have some figures to share on recent pharmacy purchases. Pharmacists report that Xanax and Ativan use is way up, along with other tranquilizers. Laxatives and diarrhea products can't be kept on the shelves. Blood pressures medicines are going sky high. Viagra sales have gone flaccid. Sales of stimulants like Ritalin and Adderall are depressed, as are the SSRI medications like Paxil and Prozac."

"People have to just hang in there," advised Darwinism, "and if they can't I'm available Monday through Fridays, 8 AM to 4 PM, except for noon to 1 PM when we take lunch."

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