By Don Kidd

Gutless Allies Extend Olive Branch, Sexual Offers to Bush

Allies in Europe and on other planets, alienated by President Bush's machismo and first four years in power, have cowered in fear and begged forgiveness now that he has won reelection, saying they will let bygones be bygones.

French President Jacques Chirac, in a letter written entirely in crayon said, "Although in the past I have wished for your death and defeat in the election, now is the time for olive branches and fine cheese and wine. I hope you will not select any French cities as nuclear targets because of our rude and froggy behavior in the past. You must understand, Dear George, that defeat and rudeness are deeply imbedded in our psyches, nevertheless, without a close relationship between us. In this end, I am sending a case of fine bubbly and a fine Paris escort to see to your every need. I hope the past can be put behind us, as we French put all our past hypocrisies behind us."

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, who also clashed with Bush over Iraq, wrote, "Though we are bitter, hated enemies and we fought world wars twice with your country, I hope all unpleasantness of the past four years can be forgotten as we watch the United States fight the war on terrorism. As you know Germany is against wars in which world domination, enslavement of the minorities and poor, and spreading terror are not involved. Therefore a war which would actually lessen the amount of terror in the world would be against our beliefs. Nevertheless, we must join with the spineless, easily-defeated French in wishing you a happy defeat of your rival."

"The world is full of great challenges. These challenges can only be mastered by Germany sitting on the sidelines like helpless sausages. We wish you all luck in your battles with the Muslim extremists."

Another critic of the war, Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero said his government wants, "a relationship of some kind with the unconquerable President Bush. Now that we have seen your god-like powers and the way you have crushed your rival, despite the backing of Hollywood actors and musicians, we hope you will not remember our past indifferences. In an effort to show my new cowardness, I shall shorten my name to something more pronounceable. Also, I am sending two very charming young women from the streets of Madrid. I'm sure my nieces will take good care of you."

Election interest in Europe was omnipotent, with many nations feeling deep disappointment as Bush crushed the hapless Kerry. Some saw it as proof of a widening gap between Europe and the US.

"The world is doomed," apocalypsed Hubert Ephedrine, a former French foreign legionnaire. "Almost all nations, including those with names that are difficult pronounce and change with incredible regularity, frustrating map makers, wanted Bush to fail. Now that he has won, groveling in Europe will be elevated to almost mythical proportions, not seen since the days when we kissed the Nazis black leather boots."

Swedish Prime Minister Goerun Amile Persson volvoed, "Europe will continue to stick out our black, hairy tongues at Bush from across the Atlantic. I do not believe he will be willing to listen. Perhaps if I spoke English instead of Swedish, this would change. However, I am not willing to make such concession stands to America."

Our fine ally Australia, unlike the two-faced, backstabbing Euro-peons, had kind words to say. Australian Foreign Minister Alexander Downer marsupialed, "President Bush is awesome. His name is short without the preponderance of vowels favored by the pansy French, or the omelets the Swedish use, simply to confuse more simple minded folks. We've had a good relationship with Bush and America for four years, therefore, we do not have to soil our pants and run in fear like some other countries are doing at this very minute."

Russian Vladimir Putin vodkad, "I would feel happy the American people have chosen to be proud again, following a leader who would tell the European cowards to go suck an egg or frog leg as the case may be. I would, but I am depressed the horse-faced Kerry did not win."

British Prime Minister Tony Blair limeyed, "Cheerio, jolly good show, and all that." He refused to explain.

An aide tried to explain, "I believe the Prime Minister meant to say that peace in the Middle East is as likely as a return of dinosaurs to the earth. Nevertheless, it is a part of being a politician to exude confidence is such nonsense, and we are, after all politicians and thus full of nonsense."

Even Bush supporters appealed to Bush to heal the Atlantic rift.

"By all means, Mr. President," Gov. Schwarzenegger muscled, "enjoy the fine women they send you as spoils of war. But after a week or so we must get back to the business of."

Leaders throughout Latin America expressed willingness not to be attacked; though they overwhelmingly supported Kerry. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez bananad, "We will continue to fight imperialism with our guerilla forces patrolling the parrot and snake infested jungle of Central America."

Cuban television broadcast in living black and white, with numerous flickering, horizontal lines across the screen, said Bush won by manipulating voters' fears of future terrorist attacks, and displaying his "undeniable force of personality. The Cuban people would much prefer a leader who was not so frail and helpless as to stumble and fall every time he gives a speech. We'd also like newer cars."

The UN refused to comment, angry at being ignored the last four years.

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