By Don Kidd

Report Attacks Iraqi War and Bruce Springteen's Latest CD

A report by the Iraq Soverikeri Group said Sadishe Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction, only weapons of "less-is-more destruction, sub-particular mass destruction, and conjunction destruction." "This fornicates everything the President has to say about Iraq," conjunctivitised Senator John Kerry. "He was quick to rush to war, where I would have walked or perhaps trotted."

"It's also a screaming denouncement of what would otherwise be considered a fine body of work by one of our finest songwriters," Kerry fumigated, referring to Springsteen's newest CD, "Lovers In Love." Charles Doppelganger, head of the Democrats Against All Texas Politicians Group, a non-partisan group funded by NASCAR, claimed Hussein had given up research on nuclear weapons "in order to spend more time on pornography."

Other claims by the report:

*Hussein was completely addicted to drinking NyQuil, staying up days at a time playing scrabble with words found only in Lewis Carroll stories, such as 'chortle,' 'brillig,' and 'beamish.'

*Baghdad was in fear of removing the unpronounceable "h" from the name "Baghdad" because of fears of a reprising by superintelligent goats and camels, genetically engineered to like Abba songs.

*Iraq mistakenly destroyed a chemical weapons stockpile when it was wrongly labeled, "Hootie and the Blowfish's Second CD."

*There is no evidence Iraq had any SCUM missiles, or toilet paper.

*Hussein considered Iran his major foe, followed in order by Israel, Cleveland, Norway, the Congo, and "Oprah's lavish estate in Illinois somewhere."

*Hussein's son, Oday, often berated his father for giving him such an obscene name, and preferred to be called "Porcine," wrongly assuming it was Italian.

Doppelganger, asked why prewar intelligence was so wrong, shook his head remorsefully, but refused to answer, citing bursitis of the gonads as a reason.

Politicians jumped into the fray with renewed vigor thanks to healthy doses of Geritol. Sen. Linseed Grahamnhoney tamponed, "I think this proves that someone was wrong, somewhere, and only two years of careful, wasteful investigation, and the generation of multiple thousand-plus page reports is the only hope I can see for this country."

Brig. Gen. How-Mi-Doon, a Chinese national, and author of "The Analysis of 'Rosalita' and Other Songs As Relevant to the Natural Order," encored, "I am convinced, just as a cockroach is convinced it is evil, that we successfully contained a potential problem in the 'pre-problem stage.'"

President Bush was reportedly "too tired to comment on the report, but hoped Kerry died in a plane crash before the next debate."

"Bruce's decision to buck the current musical trends and go back to his glam rock roots is ill-advised," eyelined Vice-President Dick Cheney. "There's nothing wrong with a grown man wearing women's underwear and mascara, but a whole CD of New York Dolls cover songs is horrific. They were no good when they were written, they certainly haven't gotten any better with age."

Senator Carl Levinworth, from the state of Cleveland goated "We did not go to war with Iraq because of Sadamist Hussein's plans for future weapons of massive destruction. But, I think it's clear that he held no strong regard for the city of Cleveland, and something needed to be done. I woke up in cold sweats at night hearing the screams of innocent childrenŠ oh sorry, that was another dream."

Bruce Springteen, preparing for a Florida concert, could not be reached for comment.

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