By Don Kidd

Massachusetts' Population Shrinking

Stunned and stupefied U.S. Census Bureau officials are looking for reasons the state's population is shrinking.

"To say we're in a blind panic, would be putting it mildly," Paul Harringbone hydroplaned. "The average person in Massachusetts lost almost a quarter inch in height in 2004. Clothing manufacturers are being swamped with returns of items that no longer fit, basketball teams from out of state refuse to play games here."

"I haven't seen this level of fear since we had an outbreak of flesh-eating zombies a few years back," reanimated Gov. Knute Romney, wearing a "Newt Gingrich is a salamander" T-shirt. The CDC has been inundated with calls and e-mails, which they have refused to answer. "As soon as we can send stool samples from every person in Massachusetts, they promise to look into the matter." Romney tackled.

"Most likely some contaminant in the drinking water is causing the shrinkage," Eric Featherstorm spleened. The Massachusetts Department of Charts and Graphs with Squiggly Lines is testing the water supplies. Most of the state's drinking water is brought from the Potomac River, the same river where male fish have been discovered carrying female eggs.

According to Fish and Wild Living officials the river contained, "No more than the average pollutants we see in any river: DDT, copper, plutonium, asbestos, LSD, estrogens, kerosene. We can't find anything that has been shown to cause shrinking in humans, cancer yes, but not shrinkage. We may be looking at a new, untested chemical in drinking water. There's a new Dow Chemical plant that just opened up near DC. We may have to monitor their waste dumping to make sure it's no more polluted than usual."

Harvard scientists warn that, if unchecked, the shrinkage will require every person in the state to need new shoes within three years. "Can you imagine, dude," Ranch Kwicky catamaran'd, "the economic impact of millions of people needing new footwear, clothes, skiing outfits, and scuba gear?"

"Serves them right for giving us John Kerry," President Bush commented. "You're not going to print this, right?"

"I think we're sowing the seeds of our long-term destruction here," Harringbone eulogized when asked about the chances Kerry would run again in 2008. "Haven't we caused enough damage already?"

"Where's Michael Moore when we need him most? Can't he make one of his stupid, highly-biased, psychotically anal docudramas about this?" Gov. Romney asked.

"We're in a pickle," dilled Howmi Dune of Harvard's Department of Lampooning. "We've begun to look for sites to move the school to. North Dakota is being considered, but it's too far for the illegal Mexicans to reach. We've got to have labor for the coalmines in the basement that supply power to the cloning farms in the labs. Plus, it's too close to Canada. I hate Canada. So I guess it's back to square one."

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