By Don Kidd

North Koreans Starving Proudly

The World Wrestling Federation says 6.5 million proud North Koreans are on the verge of gloriously starving for their country and leader, King Dong II.

Two and a half years after major economic reforms, North Korea is no better off than they were in the 90's when famine killed 2 million. Tree bark was used to supplement meager food supplies, until people developed disturbing symptoms of diseases usually limited to trees and plants. Hoof and Bark Disease and Moldy Fungus Root infestations killed thousands in addition to hunger.

"We hope to head off a disaster similar to what we saw a decade ago," explained Rowdy 'Doc' Savage, of the WWF.

Chou En Chou, of the Korean Institute of Castration and Bone Remineralization, said, "The North Korean blustery talk is toning down now. We hope to get them back to the bargaining table, and if talks go well, perhaps we can get them to a banquet table as well."

In dire economic straits, North Korea is showing subtle signs of a softening upper palate, and possibly a willingness to join in nuclear talks with other countries anxious to restrain King Dong II's nuclear weapons program.

Billboards, reportedly put up by the Ministry of Starvation, urge citizens to carry on with their lives despite the hardships worsened by ludicrous spending on an unneeded nuclear weapons program. Signs such as "Foreign bastards must die!" and "We will not be ordered around like the well-fed South Koreans traitors," have been replaced by less threatening ones like, "Comrade, do not think about how hungry you are. Your leader is proud of you," and "If you feel you are about to pass out from weakness, remember the penalty for public intoxication of any kind is death."

The Bush Administration offered to send newly sworn-in Secretary of State Candi Rice to the bargaining table with Poontang officials, but was rebuffed. "The name of your Secretary of State will remind our glorious people of food and cannot be allowed."

King Dong II's 2002 reforms have backfired like an old jalopy. Grain prices have tripled since last year with no since of stabilizing. Two-thirds of the country's population live on handouts. Almost 10% of North Koreans interviewed by WWF officials said they would resort to cannibalism, "If only we weren't so weak we cannot hack up a body."

"Prices have increased substantially, unemployment is up, people are too weak and malnourished to have sex. It is time for arrogant North Korea to stop looking down its thin, emaciated nose at us in the South. You can't eat nuclear weapons," fumigated Chou Em Chou.

"Dong must back down from his policies or he will have no one with enough strength to press the "Fire" button on a weapon's console. Then what will he have?"

"We will begin deploying special vessels, barbecue ships, along the North Korean coast. The aroma of barbecue chicken and succulent steamed vegetables will reach the land beyond, and anyone along the coast will be driven mad with hunger," Chou continued. "We mean business this time."

King Dong has threatened to attack any barbecue ship within smelling distance of North Korea's coast.

The CIA reports that Dong is not only unhappy with his sexually charged name, but also hopes his nuclear program will force the US and South Korea to lift trading sanctions, primarily to buy food for his starving people. In order to buy food, Dong will let his subjects starve so he can afford his nuclear program development. "It's a vicious circle," commented a faceless CIA operative, "and we're not so sure King Dong isn't too square to recognize it. His thinking reminds me of an elephant trying to eat its tail."

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